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Closing My Eyes On Christmas

As I woke up in the morning and looking through my window, white flakes of snow dropping from the sky, I knew right away it is Christmas morning. But the excitement that always jumping inside me is no where to be found. It is like the Dementors are there right at the side, sucking out the happiness from me.

I’m unable to get out from the bed because I don’t want to. I want you to be here hugging me from behind, snuggling and cuddling with me on the sheets. Never leave the bed unless we are hungry.

Those were my Christmas wish…before you left without telling me the reason behind it. Many times I called and text, you did not pick up nor reply. I keep on asking for giving us another chance, no answer. You let me daggling from one snow flakes to another waiting for it to fall to the ground and letting me to get burry underneath it; letting me go to see Him with unanswered questions.

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When You Have Someone Else

When you have someone else, do tell me. Don’t hide it. Don’t avoid it. Truth hurts but at least I know there is someone that could make you feel happier compare to me. Do love her as you love me, do take good care of her as you take good care of me and do appreciate her as upon how you appreciate me.

When you have someone else, I won’t blame you for everything for what has happened. I know there is a reason upon why you did it and without you uttering it, I know it was me because you will not go to someone else if you are happy with me on the first place.

When you have someone else, do not avoid me. Let us sit down and talk and tell me everything upon why you are unhappy with our relationship. I will listen to you relentlessly, tirelessly listening to each words, each diction, each sentences. Be clean,clear and explain thoroughly to me what I did wrong so I would take it as a self lesson.

When you have someone else, don’t ever left me hanging. Because if you do, I will become aimless as I have no one to be depend upon. From there, I’ll die of suffocation since my air to breath is no where to be found.

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Dear December

Dear December,

 

When you came by the stroke of midnight, I’m welcoming you with open hearts because for me you are the most special month for me. Forget about Christmas, forget about the presents, forget about the snow, forget about the candies forget about Santa because December, all I wish is only one thing; for this year end with a happy ending.

 

There were a lot of heartbreaking, a lot of tears, a lot of difficulties, a lot of challenge and a lot of uncertainties faced me this year and I’m tired….I’m tired to go through it all. But when you came, you give me the strength to continue and to pursue my dream and to take care the ones whom I love.

 

Although I could feel there is a distance between him and I and somehow he try to avoid me; up until I wonder throughout the day either he is alright? Is he good? Is he okay? No text, no calls for days. Yet, I’m still here hoping you could use your December magic to make us like before; talking for hours in the phone, text unlimitedly, calling each other unexpectedly and the most important thing are knowing he smiles in the end of the line and uttering the word “I love you too”.

 

Despite there are more days to come before the year end, I’m looking forward upon how you would end it; either with happiness, sadness, joy or despair; I am waiting for it.

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These Are The Words

Narrowing to the gallows of loneliness, “Did you deter to come here on choice or force” one asked.

“No, not by choice nor force. My crying steps can’t think at this moment. It’s the rush of blood which told my body to keep on walking; slowly and gently; so the earth would not be hurt by the harsh thump” as young girl who’s heart is covered with scars attempt to jump into the dark hole…and the story end.

During the initial of the relationship, both are trying to learn and understand each other. Whether to realize that she is spoilt, dependable and keeps track of everything that resolves around or he who is still learning to be dedicated, focus upon the relationship and spend his entire time to listen everything that she says without any argue. Unfortunately, she could not handle long distance relationship. Thus, she had to let go. He: was devastated but decided to moving on with the row of pains.

In the second comeback, in fear upon that she would be afraid due to the distance; he called every fort day everyday; early morning, afternoon, late evening and a midnight call; in order to give her the assurance that he is there, beside her until she feel the non-existence of distance. Clearly, a modicum of loneliness will clutter and before she knows it, another guy knocked her heart and left the first who were struggling with few papers that ripping out his soul but yet, he survived. Being left again, he walks to the shimmering lights in the sky praying to be with her again; and this time for eternity.

When the third chapter was closing so no heartbreak would deteriorate any living being, he told her perhaps fate roaming around them to be with other people and makes them better for each other in the future. Before they knew it, again both of them fell into a deep affection but this time he play safe; he only keep the relationship in real social life; telling it to close friends and real people but for her, she wants the whole world to know as she believe sharing happiness with others is essential.

Clash of thoughts and loneliness covertly seeps into her mind by believing she is not be treat quite right create a chance for another guy to step in; whom she hide from the one who is facing excruciating endurance for his success in the future. Never once he cheat upon her; never; but she believe he is so. Hence, when her superior told her about disapproval towards him, she waited until he is over with his gruesome test to tell him about the news.

Despite the resistance of temptation, a news hovering her ear telling that he is currently cheating upon her where as he is not made her jump off to the end of the line. He listened with all hearts broken and shatter; the disapproval, the adultery; after all that he had given and sacrifice; she left.

He told her that he will wait even it takes another century while she oppose that this is the last. A beautiful relationship is not a myth to him. It does exist and in order for that to appear; mistakes, tears, heartbreaks, shatters and being hurt is the process to go through. Never he will stop hoping nor hate her in any way, that she, will be in his arms, eternally.

Page 21 of 366

Early Marriage

Seeing you walking along the aisle in the most beautiful white dress I’ve ever seen creates the warmth inside me. My heart beat fast as you getting closer to me and underneath those veil, I could see your smile that you’re trying to hide behind the winter wedding flowers that you hold with both hands.

As your father handed you to me, I could see tears in his eyes ready to shed but he refrain himself and I could see deep inside his eyes fighting the urge to not to do so; not in front of his daughter’s biggest day.

“Here by, we are all gather to see the these two young lovers unite underneath the trees of hope, future and happiness….” words by the Reverend starts to echoed throughout the hall. We face each other and give a deep stare while smiling as our dream is coming true.

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I still remember the moment I proposed you two months ago.

It is during that time when you; along with your friends who were also my accomplice; were enjoying the evening strolling in the park and I hid behind the maple tree which was near to the bench that your friends plan to sit.

When you were seems to enjoy having a conversation, I dialed your number which I secretly change my name inside your phonebook.

As the sound of your ringtone was playing, you quickly look for your phone and straight away look at the screen to see whose calling you but you couldn’t guess who as it stated “Will you marry me?” on the screen.

I tip-toed towards you whom still looking at the screen and on one knee, I proposed. You were shocked seeing me kneeing in front of you. It was an unexpected moment as I could tell by your reaction. Despite all of that, the word “Yes!” came out from your mouth and we hugged each other tightly after I put the ring through your finger.

You gave me colours in my life, giving me promises that you would love me forever, taught me to be brave facing the love that I might lost, love me when I’m afraid to love and you don’t let me standing alone facing all the challenge.

Thus, I promised to myself that I would do anything to make you mine; even though it cost me to marry you in such a young age.

“I know we are young and people might think that we’re making the wrong decision but trust me; we are 20 years old and we have another 50 years ahead to spend our life with each other.” while tears running from your eyes when you uttered it to me.

After listening what you’ve said, all my doubt suddenly goes away.

************************************************************************

“…………and you may kiss the bride” came out like magic when you said “I do” with the shimmering tiara sparkle by the sunray as God’s sign giving His blessing to us.

My heart pounded as I uncovered you from the veil and when I finally sees you, our lips sealed in seven heart beats; we are and finally together. Your dad who was holding back burst into tears followed by other people in the hall. It was our memorable moment that I would play it in my mind always.

Both of us knows that our journey will not be pretty since we are still studying yet somehow, we feel that it will be fine along the way because we know we have people who cares about us and having each other caring for ourselves.

Time has brought our heart to be one; sharing the same dream, giving our best effort. I will love you for a thousand years and will love you for a thousand more; which I know you will too.

I Miss You, My Dear Ex

Seems that it has been months since we broke up but it’s still fresh in my mind. No, I’m not remembering the moment when you broke up with me but I reminiscing the beautiful memories that we once had, that we once shared.

My favourite part? It’s when we just kiss and hug each other in an empty room, waiting for you early in the morning just to touch your lips and saying the “3 words, 8 letters” to you.

Now, I missed being kiss and the care about someone whom I cared a lot more than myself; spending a lot for the phone just to make sure that you’re fine each day; sacrificed my time listening to you, about us, about insecure you are when I’m not there, about me having another “you”; but I assured you that you are my only, my words, my dedication, my commitments, my attention and my love; is only for you and you.

As I keeping my promises, you walk away; leaving me shedding with tears, as my heart tore apart and shattered to fine pieces in which it is impossible to be put together again.

As I keeping myself together, you enjoy your single life whilst keeping on saying that there’s no more love towards me which caused thousand of shards went straight deep into my bleeding heart.

As I beg, cried, asked and pled, you don’t even look back and say something to make me stand. Instead, you told me to forget about you, wash away all of our memories and get a new you.

As it is may seems easy for you to say those words and it is hard for me to do; I keep on waiting, keep on holding on and safe an empty space in my heart just for you; in case you would run coming back to me with those kisses and hug again.

The “2nd last post” girl….

Forgive me if I ever hurt your feeling. Forgive me if I ever done anything wrong. Forgive me if I ever abandon you. Forgive me if I ever make you sad.

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It has been years since this feeling inside my heart didn’t show itself. You’re the first one in all these years whom successfully unlocked it after the darkness bolt it so tight until it will never reappear again; that is what I think.

I will never forget the time when I want to know you; the semester break has already started. Since you lived in a place quite far from my hometown, I gracefully let away RM10 for reload every night. Yes, your voice is much more luxurious than the value that I sacrificed every day. For two months I only hear your voice in the telephone and words by text. I try to hold myself from being emotionally attach towards you and it works; back then.

After the semester reopen, the first thing that I want to see is you but you only show up at the next day. Frankly, I feel disappointed but at the same time I looked at the bright side. I’ll definitely see you in the next day; just a little bit of patience, just a bit.

On the night I went to see you, the first thing that I want to see is your eyes. I miss those cheeky eyes of yours. The smile, the attitude and the most is the hair. Those curly wavy hair which makes me feels like to cut it and keep it to myself *weak smile*.

That week I took you out and dear, that day is one of the most of precious day that I’ve ever had. Being able to be with you all the time really warmth my heart. Since then, I have emotional attach towards you.

Yes, you already have a boyfriend and I admit that I really do not care about it at all. Then? It doesn’t stop me from winning your heart and eventually by time; I won. But your feeling is tearing into two; one for me and one for your boyfriend. But I really didn’t care about it because I know your boyfriend has atrial septal defects; a hole in the top chamber of the heart; and he needs your support during that moment.

At the same time, lots of guys are trying their luck to win over your heart but you never fall to any of them. At the same time, your friends hate me because stealing you away from your boyfriend. At the same time, I feel happy when I’m with you.

But it all change when your boyfriend passed away back in January. All the sudden you’re trying to run away from me and I kept on asking myself on the purpose you do it until Hana said these words to me that really makes me taken aback.

“For God sake Black! Her boyfriend died without knowing that all of this while his girlfriend are cheating on him! What’s wrong with you!!??”.

At that exact moment I know I have to do something. I tried to call you, texted you and even try to search for you but failed. Even when I saw you, you just ignored me or sometimes just have a little chat with me and then walk away. When I actually have the chance to talk to you; I give some room for you to be with your friends and gaining your strength back.

I can’t stop missing you. I want to be with you. I miss the way your kiss, miss the way when your hair blew by the wind, miss the way you make up and miss the way you love me too much.

Every day by day it continues the same way until I tried to replaced you with other girl. One girl to another girl, I still can’t get you out from my mind. I really miss you so much…. You may hear from people saying that Black is right now flirting with every different girl but actually I try to forgetting you because by thinking of you only suffer me more.

What happened last Thursday really made me cried. Yes, cried. When I saw you with that guy; you were laughing, smiling and looks happy; my heart sank. Hence I purposely walked by in front of you just to see what your reaction is. By the time you saw me; you cover your face with your hands. Why, because you feel ashamed towards me? Is that it?

That was the last straw. I went to my class hoping that feeling would go away but by the time I sat down; I cried. For the first time I cried because of a girl in three years. Now I know where I stand in your life. Maybe I would step back but I wouldn’t because I love you. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!

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So I would like to see how far you want to carry this out. No matter how hurt am I, no matter how suffer I am; I will always love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you and this words would keep on repeating itself again and again until I die.

I LOVE YOU....
.
.
.
.

NUR AISHAH HANIM

Bleeding....

When I'm on my way out from the library
.
.
.
I saw her with another guy
.
.
I purposely walked by in front of her
and stares her straight to the eyes...
.
.
.
She closed her faced with her hands when she noticed me walked by....
.
.
And my heart starts to pumping faster...
.
....Pumping hard....
.
.
Hard enough until it reached its limit of turgidity....
.
.
Until it starts to bleed....
.
.
My tears want to burst out...
but I try to hold it...
.
.
.
but when I reached my class and took my seat at the most back...
.
.
.
I can't hold the damp anymore....
.
.
.
.
.
.
I cried
.....*tears*......