Page 343 of 366

A Cry of A Gemini

A Scorpio once said, “I’m afraid of a lot of things but mostly, most sincerely, I’m afraid of being unraveled by you and you finding nothing you want in here.”

For Gemini, these words have a lot of meaning behind it. First, it shows that how Scorpio have the fear of loosing someone that she loves and in many occasion to other Scorpios, they let this feeling slips inside and causing it to grow every time the insecure rises.

Thus, it leads to the love towards their partner starting to fade slowly to oblivion. Without their acknowledgement, the lost of love and passion is just pseudo. It is not washed away because of Scorpio herself but merely by the existence of cannibalistic cut, insecurity and jealousy.

Secondly, a Scorpio will try as best as she could, with all her might to make the relationship to work out. But sometimes, in the initial stage of the relationship, their partner still try to catch up upon the unique complexity of a Scorpio, until by the time their already figure it out, Scorpio runs out through the door assuming that she failed them due to the partner did not show to her a symbol, a sign or an expression of worthiness and galore to having her as their half.

Despite all of the perception made by Scorpio, a Gemini could see it through because one gift a Gemini have are the ability to foresee what will happen, the gift of an excellent analytical emotionize thinking and the strength of going through a very delicate moment. So as Scorpio winding her way to apt of endless, Gemini pulled her hand and lay her on his back while Gemini struggling thorough the streams of hopeless end.

He never give up upon of what he believes in despite the other stars telling Scorpio that it would not work; that the gravity pull will loose its tension upon the believe of love. As Scorpio like to keep things that hurting her to herself, she will never conceal it to others except for Gemini; but in an indirectly way. If Gemini could read the sign or if he unable to, it is totally up to him. Scorpio would not tell him no matter how worst the situation has become.

Therefore, a Gemini would fall into a slump and on that instant, Scorpio would let go her arms around Gemini’s neck and make a run through the open door. But a dearly Gemini knows it. By using his determination, his foot make a leap using the pit wall and land just right in front of the door and almost bump into her where one foot of Scorpio have step out of the door.

There is no turning back. One tries to leave and one tries to prevent it from happening. The stars sparkling in the sky uttering the mantra to encourage Scorpio from leaving the room and in that tension, Gemini able to grab the door and shut it causing the Scorpio’s one-outside-leg to slides in.

Gemini tells Scorpio that he is there for good and would be there for Scorpio as she tries to push him away. She is done she said. She is tired she said. Suddenly, Gemini pulls out a knife made of unicorn’s horn and stabbing himself right in the gut. He tells Scorpio not to panic as what he wanted to do is to gives out half of his heart, passion and love to fill in the hollow caused by cannibalistic feeling.

As Scorpio slowly putting it inside, she says that she would gives up herself Gemini but with condition. Once he commit the sin that caused Scorpio running to the door, there will be no looking back. No more.

Gemini hug her as he is in tears mark his words that it would never happen again because unlike the others who failed with other Scorpios, he was able to figure out the omen between the border of too late and just in time.

He will remember. He will commit. He will treat Scorpio with comfort, love, passion and the most important and the most essential; believe. Believing upon her, believing in the relationship, believing in forever.   

Page 331 of 366

Unseen Suffocation

There will be that moment when you think that he does not care. There will be that moment where his hug as not as tight as before. There will that moment you think that he ignores you. There will be that moment you feel tired being treated that way. There will be that moment when you want to walk away.

You told him that you want to walk away but he keep on holding you from going away. Day by day he hold you longer but you feel like you are trap in a room with the exit being shut tight. You eagerly want to get up and run to the door to get away as if claustrophobia hits but the door is still close.

He keep on asking you whether you are fine or not but the truth is he did just hold on tight. The longer he do this, deep inside you are dying. But he knows that there is something wrong. Something that you do not telling him. He can sense that but he choose to remain silence because he is afraid it will drift you further. Yet, he also believe the commotion between you and him can be solve.

All that he needs is time and real communication; nothing to hide, nothing to hold on. Spill everything, utter every words and listen intently. When he already hear all the things that he needs to hear and it is still unfixable, then…..then it is your call.

Page 329 of 366

Reminiscence

Shattered pieces in every corner of the room, tears running down the cheeks, internal devastation; one word could describe the situation, break-up. It has been a week since the torment but the pain still pinching on every possible exposed bleeding wound.

She did not nothing wrong. She did not argue. She did not cheat. She done her best.

He left.

Holding tight to his shirt, she sniff it as she misses him so much…protruding longing, hoping for the last kiss, the last hug and having him playing the skin flute for the last time. As the sobbing is getting heavier, the song of “The Loneliness” by Babyface could be heard inside the room.

The pain is excruciating. Her family and friends want to be there for her but she rather being left alone because for her, the pain could never be share..it could never be split to pieces…unlike the heart that he smashed to smithereens.

Page 157 of 366

The One That Got Away

You and I; us.

Those are the only way to explain whenever people would ask about our relationship. We are friends but somehow our hearts whispered to our soul that we could not exist without each other. The magic almost trigger itself but we restrain the spark as we believe that both of us need to committed to the person whom we love; and being better partner for the another.

Perhaps fate would intertwine our soul together in latter future; and we do not deny about the possibility; as by the time comes; we will be ultimately for each other in better from compare if we have done so in ashes of time.

Drifting apart is not an option; unless an utterless mistake being done which shattered the crystal knot. Smiles has lost and tears everywhere; causing the sky lifting the rainbow to be return to heaven as there no more reason to be on earth.

You and I, us. The bond. The link. It is everything for me; and you are everything to me. But what am I to you....when you walk away.

Page 67 of 366

To Love Somebody

Who says that it is easy to love someone? Who says that it is easy to going through relationship? Who says that it is easy to forget about the person you love? Who says that it is easy to move on? Who says that it is impossible to create a bond?

Loving someone isn’t just about expecting something in return from them; perhaps you might say it is about give and take; but upon self perspective, the main reason why you love someone is because you’re giving half of your heart, your soul and your entire of your hope to share it with someone who is special to you; in a way it could turn you insane in a heartbeat whenever something in the bond goes wrong.

To achieve that level of expectation; doesn’t care what that person has done to you, deep down you’re hurting but you can’t let them go as you accept their flaws more than their good quality.

And that is about truly loving a person; because the assure you that they would never let you go despite bad things that they would do behind your back; there must be a reason, although it is yet non-acceptable; you are the person of their choice; their future, your future, together.

Page 43 of 366

Ego of the Past

It has been a months since you being left; or in reality, got dump after perhaps years of relationship.

Even though you have tried to accept it but your mind keep on rejecting the fact that the person whom you cared, cherished, has left you. Then, you closed your eyes where deep down inside hoping that they would turn back, running towards you and says that it was all joke. As your eyes open, nothing change and you cried as much as you can so the pain would be flow out together with the tears.

Past is a nice place to visit but certainly not a good place to stay as you keep on looking behind; glancing through the times when you were together, flipping the memories both of you went through and reminiscing the moment where your heart whispered, “I could never leave, not to this person whom I devoting my emotion, my love, my feelings”. By doing so, the heart which already in a serious wreckage continue to crumble and the sound of glass shattering turns into a bleeding melody.

In between struggling with the pain and trying to gasping the healing air, a new person walks in and reach out their hand to save you from drowning of exhaustion. While you’re in a big mess, that person decided to halt and trying their best to fix you.

They don’t care about your past, about your story, about yourself before. All they care is to attend you, entertain your rants, your problems and comforting you despite you talk about that particular person who left you and will expect the person who currently trying to save you do the same thing; walking away.

When you’re in that particular state; two things are happening inside you.

First, insecurity issue will rise up as you are afraid the same thing would happen again despite the person; who sincerely wants to know you and keep on reassuring that they wouldn’t do the same. But since you have been traumatized by the past, you feel reluctant to do so.

Secondly, since the past still haunts your mind, it made you still hoping for that person whom left you for good; either they go to someone else or simply doesn’t love you anymore; to come back and since you think it is your mistake on the first place upon the reason they left, you will kneel in front of them, hold and grasp tightly to their legs as you hope they won’t leave you no more.

By analyzing both of the situations, you would understand the reality of what you’re actually facing and phasing through.

Due to the insecurity which currently nurturing inside, you’ll be afraid of being left again and by instinct, you will close your heart from being touched by anyone who wants to try to win you over. The saddest thing is the person who currently saving you has been shut down by you from proceed through as he is halfway there.

WHO ON THE EARTH ARE YOU BY DOING SO!?

Yes, it is about your heart and feelings but it is not your right to deny the a single person chance trying to work things out with you. Everyone in this world owns a chance and it is within their right to give their chance to a person whom they keen; which in this situation is you yourself.

When they give it to you, do keep it in a good shape and when your done evaluating them and coming to a deduction that they are not the one, return it as what being given earlier on. By denying their right, you actually stop their chance from penetrating your wall and end up torn during the process. It won’t look as what it is and in this case, you ought to be blame.

The right way is by let them to put their chance on you despite you’re not ready. But, at least you’re giving them the chance to do so and if they fail, it was worth of try; which they will not be regret.

Another issue which will arise by having you constantly looking back. Snap out of it because the thing that you dream isn't going to happen. They won’t come back! What you’re experiencing are known as “Post-Relationship Ego” where you keep on seeing you’re still in the relationship and that person only walks away for a moment which at the same time believing they would come back plus believing it is not happening; that it is not real.

Thus, you don’t care if a person try to win you over because mentally, emotionally and psychologically, you’re crazy, obsessed and living in a dream. The trauma actually hallucinate you from seeing the real thing in which you will keep on dreaming about it until you decide to wake up.

The best way to get out of it is by giving the person who is trying really hard; putting so much effort to prove to you that they worth it; a chance.

And trust me, you will never feel the same way again.

Page 31 of 366

Drop of Tears

“I don’t think it will work between us” as she uttered those words to me.

“We’re different in a way that I myself couldn’t possibly understand it. You’re a good guy and perhaps the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. The problem is not you but it’s me. You’re far from me and everyday I’m struggling with curious feeling about you’re cheating behind my back…” as my tears started to welling. My hand was shaking in devastation by every words that came out between her lips; those lips that I used to kiss.

“I think it is not fair for you for having a girlfriend which keep on thinking bad things about you and it is unfair for my emotion to face it every single day in the silence of night” and she stopped; due her voice started to choke.

“I really love you and I do but at the same time I felt this feeling starting to fade because you are not here to assure, comfort me that you’ll stay and be on my side. Please, do forgive me upon what I’m doing right now is totally wrong and perhaps beyond cruel but I need to say this……” just by listening to those words, I burst into tears and I tried hard to control my voice so that she wouldn’t notice but from the end of the line, she burst out.

“Good bye…” were the last words he said to me before she hung up the phone.

Deep in my mind, I asked myself, “Why now”? and for the next of the remaining days between the exam period and the holiday, I’ve became “not me”.

Emotion and psychological burden upon what has happened has put me in nervous and emotional breakdown. I could not concentrate upon my studies because my mind would linger around my memories about her.

I kept on crying day by day every time I thought about her or seeing all those stuff that she gave me; a bottle of her perfume and one of her clothes which still have her scent. Just by looking at those, I’ll be stuck in the remaining memories and could not get out until I kill each one of memory at a time.

Perhaps we’re not meant to be together but it doesn’t stop the fact that we love each other and keep on making me feel the hope of being together again.

Being together……again.

Need of A Second Heartbeat

It was a chill morning as I walk to the park and look down upon the brown pavement as my mind was clenching to my memory’s Pandora. Remember? We used to be here every weekend; spending a day just to ourselves, holding each other’s hand and talk about what both of us had been gone through.

We would walk slowly as we don’t want to miss every second that has passed by. The bench which we would usually sit always there; waiting for us as I would lean to your side, holding your arms and we would just sat there; no words, no sound. Just you and I, sitting there in silence.

But it remain as memories for you have left me without telling what I did wrong for paying the price of loosing you.

I grabbed,hold on and told you that I won’t let you go as you meant everything to me; for I cried and the heat of my tears touches your skin. Never, as I far as I can remember that I did something which could hurt you in a way that you made you left me.

“That feeling, those passion, the love towards you; I feel no more. You’re such a good person; you are; but I can’t force myself to love you when I don’t anymore as it would be cruel for me to do so. I hope that one day, you will be with a person who love you more than I did and you deserve a person more than I am” for those words stroke my bleeding heart, tearing up a hole deep to my soul.

Months has passed since my heartbeat stopped as I swipe the dead leaves on the ground with my left foot, thus leaving a trace. That very trace that I keep clear in my heart as I don’t want it being cover by the healing that I’m currently going through; hoping that you will come back and clean the bleeding wound as I will definitely want my heart to beat again.

That second heartbeat; you.

Pieces of Shimmering Light

You’ve been thrown, you’ve been pushed, you’ve been left, you’ve been dump, you’ve been crushed, you’ve been smashed, you’ve been torn, you’ve been beaten, you’ve been heartbroken, you’ve been used; thus making you less than what you were during your perfect moment, that now, has been turn into smithereens.

No trace of memories; even a bit of a cherish moment; all, has been disappeared.

Therefore, it is hard for you to accept someone who would want to undo all those pain; because you afraid that they will do much more worse damages, that they will do the same thing as the previous and that they will just come by for a while and left without a word.

But do know, be realize that each new person who want to know us deserve at least chance to be with us because everyone around us has the right to have one.

When they give you their chance, don’t push it away. Instead, accept it and keep it safe. If you see that it would not work, give it back to them as they can go to other and seeking the space of chance. If they give you for the second time, then it is your right to put in into a decision. Because first time is an obligation, the second time is an option.

As you who are already giving your chance to that person, don’t go flirting around because you have no more chance as an offer to others; as yours has been kept by the person whom you choose earlier.

In the end, those lights may not shine your space but at least those piece of chance shines your heart.

Crush Heartbreak

We as human, we cannot stop ourselves from having a crush with a person and for any reason we don’t mind to let it linger in our mind; and inside our heart too.

Don’t lie when I said that even though you’re in a relationship, your feelings towards your crush still remain down there; deep in the heart, on the surface of the most bottoms. As you commit to your relationship, there would be one moment that you will think about them; dreaming the unreachable yet it’s dreamable. Thinking about them creates that warmth your heart, dilutes your mind to the sea of imaginary and ending up smiling for that one split second.

That is the power of crush; just having them in your mind could just make you feel alright; despite your partner has made you upset or when you’re lonely yet they are not there for you.

But it is a total different thing for a person who does have a crush but they themselves is still and remain, single. Hence, day by day, the person would dream about their crush; checking their Facebook profile, reading their tweets and took note on every single detail about them. And when the crush did something good to them; no matter how small and simple it is; it would totally made their day.

We always have that one imagination playing in my mind; having the crush being our love ones. Which afterwards, you would giggle in excitement; putting pillow on your face while turning your body left and right on the bed. It would be the most wonderful feeling if it would become true; no more that you want to ask from God except for the chance to be with them.

It is all fine until the crush have found someone else. Our heart sank, the dreams shattered and a jealousy sparks to that lucky person whom able to capture the crush’s heart. Yet, you smile to them, congratulate them and hope them for the best as deep inside; your heart has been smashed.

Perhaps it’s our fault for not making the move or for not to have it clear that we like them but at least, on the very least, we know that our crush is happy with the person they care, that they love.

And the most hurtful thing?

It is when we say to them; “I’ll be there for you, no matter what happen, I’ll be there for you” while inside we’re picking up the shattered pieces that would not be the same again.

I’m sorry that I made you cried

She is among of the people that  I respect the most.

She is strong and a very loving person indeed.

Yet, my accidental mistake that I committed last week is one of my biggest sin ever.

If that guy knows bout this, he’ll kill me and resurrect me again just to kill me twice.

I didn’t intend to hurt her feelings. I’m the one who are guilty here; not you.

The feeling when her tears starts drop, I was being clouded by the most terrible feeling ever.

She is important to me and important to us, yet it is I’m the one who made her cried.

She’s just doing what I thought was thoughtful and I blew it.

A thousand words of apology doesn’t cover much of my sin towards her.

I hurt her feeling, I wrecked her heart. I almost taken her apart.

I’m sorry and even it takes me another hundred years to utter those words, it will not make up my big stupid offence.

As strong as you were, as tender you go

It is hard for me on how to put these in words.

Frustration. Upset. Question. Disappointment. Crushed. Heartbroken.

Those are the things which plays in my mind right now. Even I’ve tried to find the answers along with the reasons, yet the doubt do not want to fade away.

It’s all began during the selection for the Borneo Cup 2010 last Monday.

After I just finished my class around noon, I bumped into B.J who said to me that there will be a try-out for the tournament at that night; he received a text earlier on. Along came Paul telling the same thing; he too received the message.

It was quite weird to have everyone being notified except for me but I just put it aside since I knew that everyone is trying to keep even  a single cent in their credit.

Earlier on, I thought that I would stay in the campus by Tuesday the very next day but due to the try-out, I have to go through the heavy rain in the midst of January to get my stuff at home and come back again to campus before 8.00 p.m.

Here I was; after being soaked in the rain, rushed to packed my none-complete stuff, go through the horrible traffic jam; in the room B430 getting all pump up, thanks to the adrenaline to give all my best.

Since it is an Asian Debate style; hence it is 3 vs. 3 people in that round. The debate start on the motion;

THIS HOUSE BELIEVES THAT GREEN TECHNOLOGY SHOULD BE TAX DEDUCTABLE

On the Government side;

• 1st Speaker (Prime Minister) : Yours truly, Rahman Sallehin
• 2nd Speaker (Deputy Prime Minister) : Yan
• 3rd Speaker (Government Whip) : Hando

Meanwhile on the other side of the bench, the Opposition were represented by;

1st Speaker (Leader of Opposition) : B. Terrence

2nd Speaker (Deputy Leader of Oppostion) : B.J

3rd Speaker (Opposition Whip) : Y.B Paul Racha

The adjudicators for the try-out were;

• 1. Assoc. Prof. Dr. Simon “Faizal Hakeem” Botley
• 2. Syed Nizamuddin Sayed Kassim a.k.a Swinburne
• 3. Sharifah Shazzea bt. Wan Akil Tuanku Abdullah (Yaya)
• 4. Jeff Johamson

Time Keeper;

Arthur Kulow

I, as the Prime Minister has set a very good and solid case indeed. Let me break it down to you on my case setup.

• Title :

• THBT Green Technology Should Be Tax Deductable

• Definition:

• Green Technology
• 1. Any technology that reduce the rate of carbon emission
•    during the production of a product.
• 2. Any types of method which is “environmental-friendly”
• Tax Deductable
• 1. Reduce the corporate tax
• Perimeter:
• Malaysia
• Problem:
• 1. Copenhagon accord has failed to meet 7 continue the Kyoto 
•     Protol.
• 2. Up to us (Malaysia) to make & start our own effort.
• Stance:
• To ensure the environment is protected from a long term effect for the sake of nature & humankinds. Plus, our goal is to reduce the carbon emission by 1/2 the amount during the 90s by 2050.
• Mechanism:
• 1. Reducing the corporate tax from 25% to 18% along with 
•    insentive such as a cutting from their utilies bill (water &
•    electrical bill)
• 2. It is open to all SMEs, big companies, plantations & factories.
• 3. Every company will submit an application form that will be
•     provided by Ministry of Enviroment (MoH).
• 4. After the form being submitted, inspection of the technology
•    and method will be enforce by the Department of Health.
• 5. A certificate will be given out to the company who meets the
•   requirements (refer to the Definition) and by using e-
• government, the list of the companies will be given to the
• Ministry of Finance & to the Inland Revenue Board (LHDN).
• 6. If any mishap happen, i.e they do not receive the benefit due
•    to unavailable of information in the LHDN system, they can
•    show the cert as a prove and LHDN will refer to the MoH.
• Points:
• Our step will encourage other nation especially in our region to follow our footsteps.
• Summary:
• I have said, mentioned and elaborate all the things that you need to know. If we do not do anything, we will put our nature in jeopardize and it will certainly will give a long-term effect to the nation itself. Hence, I beg to propose

That was my case setup. I have it all structured and gave the layout on what I would say to the adjudicators.

As for the opposition side led by B. Terrence, they came out with a radical approach (Simon Botley, 2010).

Instead by arguing the nature of the debate which is about principal, the opposition side has came out with an idea by giving a counter proposal;

• 1. Rather than deduct the tax, we give the companies including the international companies FREE TAX.
• 2. From there, they would use their profit to be invest in the R&D of green technology.
• 3. Thus, these companies can sell their green technology invention to other companies in the country by having the government controlling the market.
• 4. Government will adopt some of these companies (pre-GLC) and set up new companies which then the government would inject funding for the companies R&D of green technology.
• 5. It will act as a catalyst; by having these companies (reinvest 0% tax income & pre-GLC companies) as the first player in the green technology.
• 6.Plus, it would trigger the newbie to involve in the entrepeurnership.
• 7.The opposition has stated that they would gain back the money in 20 years time.

As you see, there are some fatal flaw in their arguments which my whip successfully pointed out. Kudos for that. For my DPM, she has done a very good job by giving out points on the reasons why we need to approve the motion even though she’s not that well in delivering speech but she could improve on that; job well done, Yan.

FYI, these try-out is for selecting the second team that will come along with the first team.

I swore that I just knew this thing when they want to start for the debate. As for the record, during the previous tournaments, I always being putted (assigned) in second group; hence I do not mind about who’ll be in the first team which they has already sorted it out.

In my mind, the first team would consisting of Swinburne and Jeff (duh, like obviously). As for the third person, I thought it would be either Paul or Terrence.

After the debate has come to an end, the time of truth were finally reveal.

Dr. Simon said that due to the misfortunate experience during the last Borneo Cup, UiTM Sarawak will be sending two adjudicators consist of Yaya and himself.

Afterwards, he announced the people who would be the first team;

• 1.Swinburne
• 2. Jeff
• 3. Hando

It was a bit shocking indeed seeing Hando in the first team but honestly, I do not mind due to the fact that Hando is a really good whip and having him with Swinburne; who is the best 1st speaker; alongside with Jeff; fantastic 2nd speaker; I personally think that it is a very dynamic team indeed. For that matter, I rest my case upon it.

Having the expectation and those excitement rumbling in my chest, Dr. Simon announced the names for the second team.

• 1. B. Terrence
• 2. Paul Racha

And by then he said something which makes my feeling starting not to feel good.

“Now, this may upset some people but I hope you can take this thing well. As for Yan, I’m sorry that you are not being chosen for the team due to the fact that you’re still lacking in delivering speech and we think that you need some more training.”.

Hence, it narrowed down to only B.J and me myself.

• .

• .

• .

• .

• .

• .

• .

• .

• .

B.J is selected for the third slot instead of me and the decision has been made anonymously.

The reason that has being given by the adjudicators to support their selection for the third slot is because;

1. B.J hardly involve in any major debate tournaments where as I already involves in some plus already acquiring many experience throughout the previous tournaments.

2. B.J has shown a lot of improvement compared to me which the adjudicators said “still at the same level”.

Now, I couldn’t argue more about point No. 1. Thus, I’m willingly stepping myself aside and having him in the seat. He deserves it and no hearts taken.

But, for the point No. 2, I hardly disagree with that statement due to the fact the adjudicators always seeing me debating where as for B.J, I couldn’t recall when the last time he debated.

In other words, if they want to make a comparison, please take standard of comparison and improvement when both of us; B.J & myself; last debating together.

For your additional information, the winning has fell to the Government side and I got the Best Speaker during the try-out.

Hence, taking the method of improvement from that night is not a really good way to determine the level of self-improvement due to the fact that Swin and Jeff has seen me debating less than a month ago compared to B.J which I think is more than 3 months.

Thus, the first question arise on the method by determining the debaters improvement method.

Now the second question arise on the selection of Yaya as the second adjudicator.

I myself earlier on questioning about this decision having the fact that she rarely come for debate training the also the question of her commitment towards the club last semester also can be brought up.

Even though she is the Vice President of the Debate Club but she was not acting as one. I remember what Swin said last semester on how he himself will be using meritocracy system of determining which debater will be coming along for any tournaments based on skills, self-improvement, commitment & presence record.

From here, I’m right now have a doubt in his meritocracy method which I fairly can question about Yaya’s appointment.

But there is no use to question these things right now as these people, these team would represent UiTM Sarawak and I believe that they will give their 100% effort to make things happen and come up with success.

Last but not least, this is my last chance to get a ticket for me to represent UiTM Sarawak in the Borneo Cup since this is my last year. Thus, the dream that I hope of can be fulfil and become true has been gone with the wind.

I totally respect the decisions. No doubt in that. I accept the judgement.

I would support them by giving any means of ways especially training B.J since he will be in the same team with Terrence and Paul.

All the best, guys!!!

Note: All the comments and thoughts is personally strictly from yours truly point of view and do not make any assumption on what has been said as my commitment in Debate Club is totally unquestionable.

After searching and searching

I think that I already found her; the one whom I love the most.

No, there’s no transition between “LIKE” to “LOVE”.

Yes, there’s a “BUT”. If I make I move, all those things that we; he, her, me, you, they, us;  currently having right now I’m afraid that I would likely to loose it all.

Hence, I’ll be idle.

Do not ask me why.

I’ve seen with my bare eyes all these while of the destructive power of love.

The damage that has been done is much more worst than what hits Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

At least, you can rebuild everything from scratch; but not this one.

On you lost it, I will lost it; FOR GOOD.

Either to take the risk or not.

I choose NOT.

Hari Khamis yang sungguh skeptikal sekali...

Terus-terang aku katakan, nak melupakan si dia bukanlah sebegitu mudah sekali terutamanya apabila aku selalu terserempak dengan dia. Ya, aku jumpa dia lagi semalam; Khamis. Dahlah aku patah jiwa minggu lepas pada hari Khamis juga. Aku rasa hari Khamis ni memang nak memalat aku dengan memedihkan hati aku dengan kepedihan tahap gaban.

Aku sebenarnya nak jumpa kawan aku Didi kat blok G tapi dia masih lagi dalam kelas. Entah mengapa aku ternampak si dia dengan lelaki baru dia tu kat tempat duduk depan pejabat siswazah. Bila teman lelaki dia ternampak aku, terus dia menggesel-geselkan badan dia kat badan si dia. Memang dasar nak buat aku cemburu tapi aku tahan je.

Nak menyedapkan lagi cerita, apabila si dia ternampak aku dia pun mula main tolak gesel-gesel badan. Kononnya nak membuatkan hati aku menggelegak yang sememangnya menggelegak bagai nak gila pun!

Tu lah kau Rahman! Nak sangat tunggu kat situ kan? Hah, sekarang kau rasakanlah pulak!

Sebelum badan aku naik hangin, aku pergi balik kelas aku dan cuba tenangkan diri. Lepas habis je kelas, aku bukak komputer riba Farah yang entah berapa hari aku pinjam dan cuba mencari lagu yang boleh membuangkan gambaran si dia dari kotak minda aku.

Dan akhirnya, aku menemui lagu nih....memang puas sangat hati aku.

Sila klik tajuk lagu untuk download...

Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone

The “2nd last post” girl….

Forgive me if I ever hurt your feeling. Forgive me if I ever done anything wrong. Forgive me if I ever abandon you. Forgive me if I ever make you sad.

====================================================================

It has been years since this feeling inside my heart didn’t show itself. You’re the first one in all these years whom successfully unlocked it after the darkness bolt it so tight until it will never reappear again; that is what I think.

I will never forget the time when I want to know you; the semester break has already started. Since you lived in a place quite far from my hometown, I gracefully let away RM10 for reload every night. Yes, your voice is much more luxurious than the value that I sacrificed every day. For two months I only hear your voice in the telephone and words by text. I try to hold myself from being emotionally attach towards you and it works; back then.

After the semester reopen, the first thing that I want to see is you but you only show up at the next day. Frankly, I feel disappointed but at the same time I looked at the bright side. I’ll definitely see you in the next day; just a little bit of patience, just a bit.

On the night I went to see you, the first thing that I want to see is your eyes. I miss those cheeky eyes of yours. The smile, the attitude and the most is the hair. Those curly wavy hair which makes me feels like to cut it and keep it to myself *weak smile*.

That week I took you out and dear, that day is one of the most of precious day that I’ve ever had. Being able to be with you all the time really warmth my heart. Since then, I have emotional attach towards you.

Yes, you already have a boyfriend and I admit that I really do not care about it at all. Then? It doesn’t stop me from winning your heart and eventually by time; I won. But your feeling is tearing into two; one for me and one for your boyfriend. But I really didn’t care about it because I know your boyfriend has atrial septal defects; a hole in the top chamber of the heart; and he needs your support during that moment.

At the same time, lots of guys are trying their luck to win over your heart but you never fall to any of them. At the same time, your friends hate me because stealing you away from your boyfriend. At the same time, I feel happy when I’m with you.

But it all change when your boyfriend passed away back in January. All the sudden you’re trying to run away from me and I kept on asking myself on the purpose you do it until Hana said these words to me that really makes me taken aback.

“For God sake Black! Her boyfriend died without knowing that all of this while his girlfriend are cheating on him! What’s wrong with you!!??”.

At that exact moment I know I have to do something. I tried to call you, texted you and even try to search for you but failed. Even when I saw you, you just ignored me or sometimes just have a little chat with me and then walk away. When I actually have the chance to talk to you; I give some room for you to be with your friends and gaining your strength back.

I can’t stop missing you. I want to be with you. I miss the way your kiss, miss the way when your hair blew by the wind, miss the way you make up and miss the way you love me too much.

Every day by day it continues the same way until I tried to replaced you with other girl. One girl to another girl, I still can’t get you out from my mind. I really miss you so much…. You may hear from people saying that Black is right now flirting with every different girl but actually I try to forgetting you because by thinking of you only suffer me more.

What happened last Thursday really made me cried. Yes, cried. When I saw you with that guy; you were laughing, smiling and looks happy; my heart sank. Hence I purposely walked by in front of you just to see what your reaction is. By the time you saw me; you cover your face with your hands. Why, because you feel ashamed towards me? Is that it?

That was the last straw. I went to my class hoping that feeling would go away but by the time I sat down; I cried. For the first time I cried because of a girl in three years. Now I know where I stand in your life. Maybe I would step back but I wouldn’t because I love you. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!

====================================================================

So I would like to see how far you want to carry this out. No matter how hurt am I, no matter how suffer I am; I will always love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you and this words would keep on repeating itself again and again until I die.

I LOVE YOU....
.
.
.
.

NUR AISHAH HANIM

Bleeding....

When I'm on my way out from the library
.
.
.
I saw her with another guy
.
.
I purposely walked by in front of her
and stares her straight to the eyes...
.
.
.
She closed her faced with her hands when she noticed me walked by....
.
.
And my heart starts to pumping faster...
.
....Pumping hard....
.
.
Hard enough until it reached its limit of turgidity....
.
.
Until it starts to bleed....
.
.
My tears want to burst out...
but I try to hold it...
.
.
.
but when I reached my class and took my seat at the most back...
.
.
.
I can't hold the damp anymore....
.
.
.
.
.
.
I cried
.....*tears*......

All things are going back to normal again….I think

Last week is the most troublesome week I’ve ever had. Not just have all the people around me almost-pull-the-trigger to hate me but I do jeopardize them in such a way that it made me feel really unmotivated throughout the week until I have to cancelled the debate training on Thursday without Swinburne’s authorization *sorry Swin*. But the past is the past and all I have to do right now is look at it and try to do not do the same thing again. It’s precious I could say.

Sorry I have to break my promise to update the blog at least once in every two days due to some internal problems (which I think you already know). But from now on I’ll try my best to update all of the three blogs which are under my management. I hope Fuad and Maisarah do help me by updating TEC site as well. It has been a hell load of work from me. Externally and internally exhausted, I shall continue with my plan.

Hey, it’s already March! I keep on forgetting that I’m in a new month hence more efficient work to do. The reason that makes me kept on being busy is where the time synchronization is just “right”. Meaning by all of the stuff that I’ve been doing is almost overlapping. Thank God there are people whom I can count on during those moments. In the next post, maybe I’ll do what Faradiba and her friend did; stating and listing what they do, what they did throughout the whole week and month. From there you will know how busy I am, no matter what kind of stuff that I occupied with.

Personally, I think it is what I so called “the debater curse”. Did you realize; you guys who are debaters no matter what universities or campuses; your life totally change after you joined TDC? Maybe before this you are nobody or merely a number of people know you and having such a free-time-moments after you finish your class. But after you become a debater, suddenly the whole burden of assignments, research, presentation, life obstacles, matter-which-are-not-concern-to-you and what-are-the-things-that-made-me-busy-all-suddenly-which-I-do-
not-know-what-I-am-busy-about are on your shoulders? Hence, I advised to all debaters out there if you want to attract people to join TDC, please DO-NOT-IN-WHAT-EVER-THINGS-OR-LIFE-THREATENING-SITUATION you mention about this curse or they will back off. I mean the burden will not come in a pile in a jiffy but it will slowly come to you and by the accordance of time, it will pile up more than come-in-a-pile-in-a-jiffy. So debaters; between you and me; shut the things up.

For this week, for the first time ever I just stayed at home for one day. Mind you that my course in UiTM were having their “Family Day” which apparently I didn’t go due to the fact that I’m a busy person; no time to enjoy myself; and also I need to take care of the house especially my brothers (seven of them) and my little sister because my parents are having their business to attend which make them have to leave the house for 2 days. Since I’m the ONLY elder brother which my parents can count on, therefore I leave all the stuff behind and went back home. But suddenly, on my first day Zureen called me stating that she wanted to see me. By leaving my duty to my father whom came home that time and my usu, I went back to UiTM seeking for Yaya and Zureen.

That Saturday night, apparently there is an occasion of “Battle of The Band” in conjunction with “Malam Gala Gading”. That night, I went there with B.J and his friends but unexpectedly I sat together with Jesse, Asma and Kaka. After I accompanied the girls back to their dorm block, I went back to Youth Floor and waited for Yaya before she called me to meet at the road between the canteen and Dewan Jubli. From there; exception to Zureen’s kept-on-interupting; Yaya and me talk and we already resolved the matter. Almost of the girls in the world, I wouldn’t sacrifice, burden and jeopardize my friendship with Yaya, Zureen nor Hana. They are my trustful and true female friends ever. They are meant a lot to me then I meant to them.

So I’ve heard the rumour that for the next “Family Day” that my classmates want to select me as the Project Manager due to the fact that they are quite pissed that I actually didn’t come for the Family Day since 3 semesters ago. Yes people, starting in Part 1 until Part 3 (now), I didn’t bother go even once. So by that, they want to increase my burden. First thing first, it is not that I don’t want to handle the project but people; I’M A BUSY BOY. Due to this fact, you actually want my commitment towards this stuff which apparently most of you know that I might do not get 100% commitment towards these things. People, come on and grow up. Please do not put the project at stake because it involves big budgets and a huge number of people. It involves the whole Ladang course for goodness sake. Either you listen to me or not, do not blame the outcome.

Hence, I’m looking forward to the things that might happen this week and like I said to myself when I’m in a tight, tense, out-of-time and stress moments, “I’ll manage”.

It's too late to apologize...it's too late

Stifler quoted "Shit happens".

And I felt what he said is totally right. I'm trying to do my best in my new field of expertise and where does it get me? Jeopardizing people whom I care, whom I love and whom I adore. Frankly speaking, I didn’t know what I’m doing right now do makes every people having a hair-trigger moment in this tight-tense-controversial situation.

I’m sorry for what I make, what do I have begun, what do I already build-up makes people feel the annoyance, the sickness and the sadness out of them. I never meant to do it. It is just certain people can’t understand what I’m saying, for what I meant. I never meant to make people fight and argue towards each other just for what I wrote. Now I know the meaning of “the pen is much sharper than the sword”.

I do love TDC so much. It’s like I’m turning to Iqhbal Hafis (well, 25% to be exact) due to the passion, experience and the skills that I’ve gained when I entered this club. So people please do not question about my feelings towards the club itself. I do love it so much more than my own course’s club. Heck, even my course mates always questioning me the reason that I always make out the priority out of TDC more than theirs.

It’s due to the factor that since I entered this club, I met lots of people whom widen my mind and my perspective. Even from the club itself, I learnt something which no one could have by do not entering the club. It’s what I call “Discover The New You”. The first club that I actually join with my will is The Language Society. From there, I met Paul. A nice-friendly-polite-gentleman-supportive-helpful-and-sorts-of-quality-
person-whom-you-can-found he is. From there, he guides me to know the lecturers, the people whom in charge and such. And from there, I pursued my steps in TDC by having my first debate after being forced by Jack. From there, I learnt skills and stuff which I dare to say never being achieved by any people in the campus. It’s like having the whole UiTM at the tip of my fingers. But yet, I never misuse the skills that I’ve learnt for self benefit. Instead, I helped people when they have any type of trouble which I can overcome. That is why right now most of the students know me. For the record, they call me “Black” because people kept calling me “Black” without knowing my real name. I’m not blaming them, maybe due to the fact that I’m too good to be somebody whom the call “Pure”.

Thus, I end my post by saying, “To all the people whom are affected, will-be-affected and indirectly affected by my posts, I, Muhammad Rahman, having my hat low down, stating that I’m totally sorry for what I have done/cause and will done/cause in this present and in the future. I didn’t mean to and I hope that all of you would forgive me”.

P/S: As for the TEC site, I already make it only accessible to people whom I already authorized. And to Dr. Simon, Miss L and Swinburne; thank you because respecting my freedom of speech. Your good deed will be in my mind forever.