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Pandemonium of Melee

As she walks swiftly along the park, her mind is in worry. For the past few days, he did not called nor picking up the phone. She tries to comfort herself by thinking perhaps he is busy with his new job that made him landed on the bed by the time he reaches home.

Yet, with fifty seven calls that either ended up in his voicemail and on his screen notification; only once he replied to her call and the conversation barely last a moment. She misses him so much; too much that she drowned in the deep longing pit.

Inside, she is deteriorating but she is still keep on fighting. All the words that he said; about he is done with the relationship; really causing her heart to bleed and each second that passes by, the pain grows. But she believe that the relationship can be save.

She begged him to stay as she is trying to rectify herself; being better for him but he keep on ignoring her believing that she will not be. Alas, he was right. It was only one mistake and he throw piles of guilt to her. She seeks for forgiveness as she is just an ordinary girl who will make mistake. A mistake that she had done without her realizing it and he says he is done.

No more sign of her existence in his book but she knows that he is not entirely leaving her because she still can feel his presence in her heart…in her mind. As she keep on trying to prove him that she is trying to be better, trying to be a better partner for him but she worries that mistake would happen again; thus costing her loosing him for good.

He does still care, he does still love and he do but he would not show it as he would feel afraid that she will take him just for granted. Deep down inside, he does not leave as he will keep on watching her from afar. He loves her and he will keep on stay but he needs her to prove that she is worth it to have him and by looking upon her effort, it will be decide solely by himself.

As for her, she does not want him to leave. She just wanted him to be there right beside her, grasping her hands saying that everything will be fine; and it will.

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Pensée Profonde

There is a say, “A relationship consist of two lovers and other people who want to see it end”. It fills with nowadays truth as a relationship is mostly about people’s perception. If they do not like the relationship or even the girlfriend or the boyfriend; they would make a whisper from the other side; encouraging one of them to pull the plug.

That is where deep thought put into place; one connected to the heart and another line to the mind. Initially, ask yourself upon the reason why you are in a relationship in the first place? Is it because of chemistry? Is it because of you are lonely? Is it because you are touched of their effort wanting to be with you?

These are among of questions that should running through your mind but choose only one. Not two, not three; because it will jumble up your thoughts, sending your heart to a complicated dilemma.

Ironically, when you are actually making a decision yourself, some people see this as an opportunity and most of this people live within your social circle who loath seeing you with your partner and prefer you to end up to a person up to their choice; not yours.

Those are the people who keep on telling you that your partner is not the one, that they only fooling around with your feelings and telling bad qualities of the person whom you love, whom you care. And what would you do when that happens? Just stand there and do nothing? No, you stood up for your lover and telling them that it is about your relationship and the relationship is solely yours, not them.

Consequences when you let their words to your thought could affect your heart greatly; it kills….it kills the feeling you have to the person whom you love. From there, you will forget why you are with them on the first place, upon the reason you want to stay, diluting the chemistry between both of you and it will lead to a irreversible decision, thus might lead to a greater suffer not just to you but your partner as well.

And when it happens, those people whom dislike the relationship will clap their hand as sign of victory while both of you slowly dying in a pain full of longings towards each other.

Ending this, do stay with your partner despite the challenges by feelings, people around you and the fright thought of loosing. Communicate, understand each other and do not ever leave; no matter what. If you do that, if you commit to your partner, happiness will be waiting at the end of the road.

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These Are The Words

Narrowing to the gallows of loneliness, “Did you deter to come here on choice or force” one asked.

“No, not by choice nor force. My crying steps can’t think at this moment. It’s the rush of blood which told my body to keep on walking; slowly and gently; so the earth would not be hurt by the harsh thump” as young girl who’s heart is covered with scars attempt to jump into the dark hole…and the story end.

During the initial of the relationship, both are trying to learn and understand each other. Whether to realize that she is spoilt, dependable and keeps track of everything that resolves around or he who is still learning to be dedicated, focus upon the relationship and spend his entire time to listen everything that she says without any argue. Unfortunately, she could not handle long distance relationship. Thus, she had to let go. He: was devastated but decided to moving on with the row of pains.

In the second comeback, in fear upon that she would be afraid due to the distance; he called every fort day everyday; early morning, afternoon, late evening and a midnight call; in order to give her the assurance that he is there, beside her until she feel the non-existence of distance. Clearly, a modicum of loneliness will clutter and before she knows it, another guy knocked her heart and left the first who were struggling with few papers that ripping out his soul but yet, he survived. Being left again, he walks to the shimmering lights in the sky praying to be with her again; and this time for eternity.

When the third chapter was closing so no heartbreak would deteriorate any living being, he told her perhaps fate roaming around them to be with other people and makes them better for each other in the future. Before they knew it, again both of them fell into a deep affection but this time he play safe; he only keep the relationship in real social life; telling it to close friends and real people but for her, she wants the whole world to know as she believe sharing happiness with others is essential.

Clash of thoughts and loneliness covertly seeps into her mind by believing she is not be treat quite right create a chance for another guy to step in; whom she hide from the one who is facing excruciating endurance for his success in the future. Never once he cheat upon her; never; but she believe he is so. Hence, when her superior told her about disapproval towards him, she waited until he is over with his gruesome test to tell him about the news.

Despite the resistance of temptation, a news hovering her ear telling that he is currently cheating upon her where as he is not made her jump off to the end of the line. He listened with all hearts broken and shatter; the disapproval, the adultery; after all that he had given and sacrifice; she left.

He told her that he will wait even it takes another century while she oppose that this is the last. A beautiful relationship is not a myth to him. It does exist and in order for that to appear; mistakes, tears, heartbreaks, shatters and being hurt is the process to go through. Never he will stop hoping nor hate her in any way, that she, will be in his arms, eternally.

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Seconds of Waiting

I believe people do change; despite the strong impression, personality and the characters conveyed; they eventually will change at one point, at one moment in their life. Whether it is grievances, sadness or mirth; it cause an entire effects towards a person.

In a relationship, swarthy occurs that slices the heart into two pieces is a norm in commitment. Throughout the complexion, deeper conversation and communication helps by untangling roots which nibble the earth thoroughly. But sometimes, surmising can create a damage beyond repair and putting it much into context, it complicate itself much more.

Suddenly, the escape door open and without any second thought; carried by your odium; go through the drawers of your lover’s heart and mind, retrieving any possibilities of memories, thoughts and walk out never to be heard again.

When you decide to do so; remember that flaunt action will cost dearly. There by that door, your love will wait for you not matter how long it would take. They prefer to miss another opportunity over other person because they believe another chance will come by; and it is your blunder whom causing it on the first place.

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Crying

There would be a point in someone’s life that they could not bear all the things that being jumbled inside their chest.

They want to express it by words but sadly, there is no word which could describe and helping them to show what they want to convey. Only one option and it is the most effective way to do; cry.

Bursting our tears could help to ease all the burden, frustration, sadness or emotional burden that causing you into a fragile state. Ego aside, crying is the first thing that every human in this world did, so don’t be ashamed to do so.

Each of yours tears is priceless, so don’t let it fall down to the ground; collect it into a bile and by using the Pensive, you’ll know what is the real cause and try with all your might to fix it.

If it doesn’t, don’t be afraid to cry again.

Bliss of A Kiss That I Miss

It has been days that I haven’t seen you around. I reach out for my phone to read your morning text; the first thing that I do every time I wake up.

“No new text messages”.

Thus, I would throw the phone gently to my side and having a nice warm shower before I go out and start my day. As I was putting my shirt on, I heard a beep from my phone; hurriedly pulling down the shirt, I jump to my bed and it bounce causing the phone flying into the mid air but astoundingly, I quickly grasp and able to wrapped around my fingers to it just in time.

“Taylor, I know you’re missing your love dearly much. If you want company, I’ll go to your place and we’ll talk, alright?” a text from Rory fading the enthusiastic smile from my face.

As I walk down to the streets, I reminiscing our memory every time we would walk to school together. There, at that small bushes three houses away from mine, you would hide and tried scare me off every morning. Even though you don’t surprise me anymore because you keep doing it every day, I’ll be eager to wait you to jump out from the bushes and keep on saying that you surprised me although you knew that I did not.

Then it happen.

The morning kiss; the kiss that I’ve been waited since the last kiss in the previous day. You kiss me softly on the lips as our hand held each other and end it with a deep stare in each other eyes while our nose touches.

I open my eyes, realizing that I’m still at the sidewalk with my bicycle at my side, peeping behind the bushes hoping you are there but you’re not. As I strode along, I remember that you would hold my hand on the other side of the bike and starting our silly morning talk.

I smile to myself as I remember every words that you said that made me smile and deep I my heart, every beat, with every breath that I took, with all my might, it whispers “I love you, very much….until death torn us apart”.

Until death torn us apart…….

Here I arrived, upon your grave my love. Tears start to drop from my eyes….I know that you don’t want to see me cry but I can’t help it, baby. I miss you…I really miss you…..I do. I sob so hard…until I couldn’t catch and inhale my breath.

Why do you have to leave before me, baby? Just because you pushed me away from that truck, does not mean that it you have to die for me.

Now who would give me a morning text every day? Who would wait me patiently behind those bushes?

And who would give me those blissful kiss other than your lips?

If you would live for another day, even for a minute, I would kiss you softly and gently on the lips and hoping that it would be us to be put on rest; together.

The words and emotion

So it starts of unexpected.

You have mutual friends and add each other on facebook and msn. You get to know one another. It gets interesting.

Exciting. Fun. Numbers are added into phones. Text. Text. Text. Flirt. Flirt. Flirt.

You have deep and meaningful conversations and learn about them.

You begin to fall. You start dating. You fall harder. You are inlove. You hug. Kiss. Touch.

Life is great. You are in love. Can't go a day without talking to them.

Time flies. Things change. Things get rocky. You get hurt. Forgive, but can't forget. You love them to much to break up. They break up with you. You are shattered.

Life doesn't mean much no more.

You lost everything.

And it ends with heartache.

                                                                                - via Tumblr

Above words are the exact words of describing what I had, experienced and felt for the past six days.

For the one who’s I meant this for, thank you for everything. There will be no once who will love me like you do. Thank you once again.

Raya Syawal : Seventh Day

No more visiting.

Tones and loads of assignment, assessment, revision and study to do.

Plus, I gained weight.

Now I’m 62 kg with the height of 163 cm.

But, I just can’t.

There is always distraction.

 

FACEBOOK.

Keletihan...

Disebabkan hari ini ialah hari Jumaat, maka aku akan menulis kiriman dalam bahasa Malaysia. Bukannya apa, tiap-tiap hari aku speaking letih jugak tau. Dah la kiriman pun dalam bahasa Inggeris; nanti bahasa ibunda aku jugak yang berkarat karang.

Aku sekarang ni kat UiTM Shah Alam; Perpustakaan Tun Abdul Razak 2 (PTAR2) secara terperinci. Memang aku letih gila babi tahap gaban punya.

Bayangkan, sampai kat Lapangan Terbang Antarangbangsa Kuching (KIA) pukul 8 pagi. Dah tu pulak belum pekena sarapan pagi lagi! Nak memburukkan keadaan pulak bila penerbangan tu pukul 9.30 pagi dan selamat tiba di Terminal Penerbangan Murah (LCCT) hampir jam 11.00 pagi. Dah tu terpaksa secara bergesa-gesa pergi UiTM Shah Alam kerana mesyuarat untuk pemilihan peserta bagi Debat ASEAN akan bermula jam 3.00 petang.

Dah sampai tu, bertemu lak dengan Fuad; kawanku kat UiTM Kota Samarahan dulu. Sementara menunggu pejabat Kolej Perindu buka, Nizam, Fuad dan aku pergi makan tengahari sekejap. Selepas tu bila nak daftar bilik, kunci yang disediakan oleh pihak kolej hilang dari meja diorang. Nizam dan aku macam, "Apa kejadah semuanya ni? Dah la nak berebut pergi mesyuarat lepas ni". Jadi aku pun tunggu dan akhirnya bilik dah ada tapi kunci pulak tak ada.

Jadi kami berdua tinggalkanlah beg kita orang kat bilik Fuad sekejap. Lepas tu Nizam tersemput-semput berjalan pasal bilik mesyuarat kat Kolej Seroja tu jauh sangat. Aku yang bekas atlet jalan kaki selamba jer berjalan.

Nizam tak der bilik kerana apabila aku balik kembali ke bilik, ada tiga orang mamat ni yang telah mengambil 3/4 katil. Jadi katil yang tinggal aku yang punya lah. Nizam pulak tinggal dalam bilik Fuad. Kepada Nizam, aku minta maaf banyak-banyak. Aku tak berniat pun.

Bila dah sampai, kita orang membuat pilihan secara rawak untuk kedudukan dalam kumpulan debat berserta dengan ahli kumpulan. Aku dapat kumpulan dua dengan kedudukan sebagai pendebat penjawab; ketiga la. Tambahan pulak, aku sama kumpulan dengan teman lelaki Sarah Yasmin!!!! Gembiranya aku !!!! (aku gembira kerana aku bersama dengan orang yang penting dalam hidup Sarah Yasmin. Korang jangan nak fikir macam-macam pulak, okay?). Dalam kedua-dua pusingan debat tu, aku kekal dengan kedudukan aku sedangkan semua orang lain bertukar posisi. Dah la aku berlawan dengan budak Kelab Debat UiTM Shah Alam, jadi korang tau lah macam mana perasaan gabra dan gementar aku ketika memberi ucapan. Tapi alhamdulillah, semunya berjalan lancar cuma diantara semua pendebat yang terlibat, aku sorang je yang tak memberi "Kenyataan Pemberitahuan" (P.O.I).

Habis je debat, aku dan tiga orang pendebat dari mana ntah pergi bilik dan tidur. Pagi tadi aku bangun pukul 5.45 pagi dan menyelesaikan tugasan yang diberi oleh lecturer subjek bahasa Inggeris aku; BEL 311 Term Paper.

Lepas jer siap, aku pun menghantar kepada pensyarah aku melalui e-mail. Nasib baik dia boleh bertolak-ansur dengan aku. Kalau tak, melayang 10 markah.

Nizam pulak pergi ke MidValley dengan pendebat dari Sabah; Azel namanya. Aku pun apa lagi, rasa terasing lah. Pasal aku sorang-sorang, tak kenal sesiapa dan macam-macam lagilah. Dah lah kecantikan sini aku boleh umpamakan sebagai species yang terancam. Aku nak balik UiTM Kota Samarahan!!!!!

P/S: Terus-terang aku ingin menyatakan disini bahawa aku hampir-hampir nak menangis kerana terlalu rindukan rumah (kampung halaman ler). Aku nak balik hari ni jugak!!! Aku tak kira!!!! Aku tak nak disebabkan debat ni, aku menangis. Taubat aku tak nak kembali ke UiTM Shah Alam balik. Aku rindukan rumah!!!!

When you are heart broken

Remember you guys? When we are in our rundown emotional state, we tend to be alone and listen to heart-broken songs? Well, I don't blame you for that.

To add some to your misery, I hereby present to you this song by Babyface, my all time favourite singer with the most best; personally; heart-broken song ever made.

You may download the song by clicking the tittle.

Babyface - The Loneliness

[Verse 1]

I'm sitting here
Thinking 'bout
How I'm gon-na do without
You around in my life and how am I
I gon' get by
I ain't got no days
Just lonely nights
You want the truth
Well girl I'm not alright
Feel out of place and out of time
I think I'm gonna lose my mind

[Chorus]

So tell me how you feel (I'm lonely)
Are you for real (so lonely)
Do you still think of me (I think of you)
Baby still (are you lonely)
Do you dream of me at night (is like I dream of you all the time)
So let me tell you how it feels (it's like everyday I die)
Wish i was dreaming but it's real (when I open up my eyes)
Let me tell you how it feels (and don't see your pretty face)
I think that I will never love again

[Verse 2]

I miss your face
I miss your kiss
I even miss the arguments
That we would have from time to time
I miss you standing by my side
I'm dying here it's clear to see
There ain't no you, God knows there ain't no me
Don't wanna live, I wanna die
If I can't have you in my life

[Chorus (repeat till end)]

So tell me how you feel (I'm lonely)
Are you for real (so lonely)
Do you still think of me (I think of you)
Baby still (are you lonely)
Do you dream of me at night (is like I dream of you all the time)
So let me tell you how it feels (it's like everyday I die)
Wish i was dreaming but it's real (when I open up my eyes)
Let me tell you how it feels (and don't see your pretty face)
I think that I will never love again

P/S: Do not kill me if you feel the sufferness while listening to this song