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Holding Breath

You ran to win his heart. You pretended that you are not interested when he read your hint. You are together with him after he convinced that both of you would not be apart. Hands held tight, lips touched and by each second, both of your body getting closer and closer until became one.

Listening to his voice for hours, staring deeply into his dark hazel eyes, running through your fingers through his hair and laid on his chest for the entire day listening to his heart beat were the only best things upon how you wanted to spend your day; with him.

He said he is done; with you, with the relationship, with everything; he is completely done. You begged, you cried, you hope and prayed that he will turn back and run to you but the more you look to the horizon, the more he is getting further and farther from your sight.

Out of tears, your chest inhale and exhale rapidly, confusion, regrets and all emotions sipping through your mind. As you tried to hold your breath, you keep on saying to yourself that you are strong enough to face this. But as a mere mortal, we could hold our breath long enough. You loose it; breath exhale…together with tears and sobbing.

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When You Have Someone Else

When you have someone else, do tell me. Don’t hide it. Don’t avoid it. Truth hurts but at least I know there is someone that could make you feel happier compare to me. Do love her as you love me, do take good care of her as you take good care of me and do appreciate her as upon how you appreciate me.

When you have someone else, I won’t blame you for everything for what has happened. I know there is a reason upon why you did it and without you uttering it, I know it was me because you will not go to someone else if you are happy with me on the first place.

When you have someone else, do not avoid me. Let us sit down and talk and tell me everything upon why you are unhappy with our relationship. I will listen to you relentlessly, tirelessly listening to each words, each diction, each sentences. Be clean,clear and explain thoroughly to me what I did wrong so I would take it as a self lesson.

When you have someone else, don’t ever left me hanging. Because if you do, I will become aimless as I have no one to be depend upon. From there, I’ll die of suffocation since my air to breath is no where to be found.

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Pandemonium of Melee

As she walks swiftly along the park, her mind is in worry. For the past few days, he did not called nor picking up the phone. She tries to comfort herself by thinking perhaps he is busy with his new job that made him landed on the bed by the time he reaches home.

Yet, with fifty seven calls that either ended up in his voicemail and on his screen notification; only once he replied to her call and the conversation barely last a moment. She misses him so much; too much that she drowned in the deep longing pit.

Inside, she is deteriorating but she is still keep on fighting. All the words that he said; about he is done with the relationship; really causing her heart to bleed and each second that passes by, the pain grows. But she believe that the relationship can be save.

She begged him to stay as she is trying to rectify herself; being better for him but he keep on ignoring her believing that she will not be. Alas, he was right. It was only one mistake and he throw piles of guilt to her. She seeks for forgiveness as she is just an ordinary girl who will make mistake. A mistake that she had done without her realizing it and he says he is done.

No more sign of her existence in his book but she knows that he is not entirely leaving her because she still can feel his presence in her heart…in her mind. As she keep on trying to prove him that she is trying to be better, trying to be a better partner for him but she worries that mistake would happen again; thus costing her loosing him for good.

He does still care, he does still love and he do but he would not show it as he would feel afraid that she will take him just for granted. Deep down inside, he does not leave as he will keep on watching her from afar. He loves her and he will keep on stay but he needs her to prove that she is worth it to have him and by looking upon her effort, it will be decide solely by himself.

As for her, she does not want him to leave. She just wanted him to be there right beside her, grasping her hands saying that everything will be fine; and it will.

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Dear December

Dear December,

 

When you came by the stroke of midnight, I’m welcoming you with open hearts because for me you are the most special month for me. Forget about Christmas, forget about the presents, forget about the snow, forget about the candies forget about Santa because December, all I wish is only one thing; for this year end with a happy ending.

 

There were a lot of heartbreaking, a lot of tears, a lot of difficulties, a lot of challenge and a lot of uncertainties faced me this year and I’m tired….I’m tired to go through it all. But when you came, you give me the strength to continue and to pursue my dream and to take care the ones whom I love.

 

Although I could feel there is a distance between him and I and somehow he try to avoid me; up until I wonder throughout the day either he is alright? Is he good? Is he okay? No text, no calls for days. Yet, I’m still here hoping you could use your December magic to make us like before; talking for hours in the phone, text unlimitedly, calling each other unexpectedly and the most important thing are knowing he smiles in the end of the line and uttering the word “I love you too”.

 

Despite there are more days to come before the year end, I’m looking forward upon how you would end it; either with happiness, sadness, joy or despair; I am waiting for it.

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Morning Wake

When you opened your eyes, the room is fill with the warmth of the sun with birds chirping in the background. Rise from bed, you look around looking for BlackBerry to login into Twitter; reading your morning social news.

Some people wake up after having a nightmare. In which, the reality blossom feast upon their eyes by the time they escape. Insisted, suddenly want to make the world a better place to live.

But most, they just can’t sleep; not because of external issue but towards things that currently play inside their mind. Majority whom suffers from heartbreak could not bear themselves to sleep because if they do, a bottle of the pill would be empty with a drinking bottle at the side.

Therefore, waking up in the morning does not usually starts someone else’s life but also ending it; in a sad way.

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Third Degree of Walking Away

Stepping into someone’s life and not leaving out footprint when you leave is just like walking along the beach expecting the waves wiping out your steps. The moment you own the person’s heart, trust and loyalty; they will take care of you like above themselves.

Every time you decide to leave, loyalty towards you that keeps them waiting; although they did tried to work out with someone else, the feeling is not the same. Hoping you will flung in their arms is their ultimate dream before anything fall upon causing the inexistence of their presence.

Third is a charm and both of you expect the relationship would last; things that blew the previous steps are been shut down. Relationship status is only for the real social circle; not Facebook;, texting and calling instead of filling each others wall plus being concern and trust each other in everyday life by getting involve and participate.

Alas, you walked out and another hopeful tears slides along the cheek. Thus, a wonder recites within their mind asking them if the act of waiting is insane, absurd and foolish. While glancing the pictures you, they said, “Acting being a fool is a easy. Waiting like crazy and looking for absurd horizon of resetting time is all in mind; but try to look strong to that person is the hardest. My heart shattered even more but letting the noise when it hit the floor from my the one I love; I won’t let them because by having my love walking away; is a chance for us to be prepare to be better for each other in the future”.

Hence, they gulp a boil of poison; hoping you would come back and kiss them so they would be conscious to make another story together; and that time, for eternity.

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The One That Got Away

You and I; us.

Those are the only way to explain whenever people would ask about our relationship. We are friends but somehow our hearts whispered to our soul that we could not exist without each other. The magic almost trigger itself but we restrain the spark as we believe that both of us need to committed to the person whom we love; and being better partner for the another.

Perhaps fate would intertwine our soul together in latter future; and we do not deny about the possibility; as by the time comes; we will be ultimately for each other in better from compare if we have done so in ashes of time.

Drifting apart is not an option; unless an utterless mistake being done which shattered the crystal knot. Smiles has lost and tears everywhere; causing the sky lifting the rainbow to be return to heaven as there no more reason to be on earth.

You and I, us. The bond. The link. It is everything for me; and you are everything to me. But what am I to you....when you walk away.

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La Un à Avec Être

There is nothing more that you need in this world apart from having that someone who would be by your side no matter even though they have being hurt by you dearly.

Perhaps they would want you to leave them for a short period of time while mending their heart but when the time comes, they would be the first person who would be there; holding your hand tight in their grasp, a hug that would never be let go and whisper, “It’s alright; everything would be fine. I’m here for you….”.

Upon that one moment, your heart starts to fall its tears because your eyes refuse to cry, your soul sobs because your physical being trying to look strong and your mind tirelessly finding the exact words to express your gratitude because they choose to be with you on that precise moment rather to be somewhere or to be with someone else.

The one to be with.

I Miss You, My Dear Ex

Seems that it has been months since we broke up but it’s still fresh in my mind. No, I’m not remembering the moment when you broke up with me but I reminiscing the beautiful memories that we once had, that we once shared.

My favourite part? It’s when we just kiss and hug each other in an empty room, waiting for you early in the morning just to touch your lips and saying the “3 words, 8 letters” to you.

Now, I missed being kiss and the care about someone whom I cared a lot more than myself; spending a lot for the phone just to make sure that you’re fine each day; sacrificed my time listening to you, about us, about insecure you are when I’m not there, about me having another “you”; but I assured you that you are my only, my words, my dedication, my commitments, my attention and my love; is only for you and you.

As I keeping my promises, you walk away; leaving me shedding with tears, as my heart tore apart and shattered to fine pieces in which it is impossible to be put together again.

As I keeping myself together, you enjoy your single life whilst keeping on saying that there’s no more love towards me which caused thousand of shards went straight deep into my bleeding heart.

As I beg, cried, asked and pled, you don’t even look back and say something to make me stand. Instead, you told me to forget about you, wash away all of our memories and get a new you.

As it is may seems easy for you to say those words and it is hard for me to do; I keep on waiting, keep on holding on and safe an empty space in my heart just for you; in case you would run coming back to me with those kisses and hug again.

Need of A Second Heartbeat

It was a chill morning as I walk to the park and look down upon the brown pavement as my mind was clenching to my memory’s Pandora. Remember? We used to be here every weekend; spending a day just to ourselves, holding each other’s hand and talk about what both of us had been gone through.

We would walk slowly as we don’t want to miss every second that has passed by. The bench which we would usually sit always there; waiting for us as I would lean to your side, holding your arms and we would just sat there; no words, no sound. Just you and I, sitting there in silence.

But it remain as memories for you have left me without telling what I did wrong for paying the price of loosing you.

I grabbed,hold on and told you that I won’t let you go as you meant everything to me; for I cried and the heat of my tears touches your skin. Never, as I far as I can remember that I did something which could hurt you in a way that you made you left me.

“That feeling, those passion, the love towards you; I feel no more. You’re such a good person; you are; but I can’t force myself to love you when I don’t anymore as it would be cruel for me to do so. I hope that one day, you will be with a person who love you more than I did and you deserve a person more than I am” for those words stroke my bleeding heart, tearing up a hole deep to my soul.

Months has passed since my heartbeat stopped as I swipe the dead leaves on the ground with my left foot, thus leaving a trace. That very trace that I keep clear in my heart as I don’t want it being cover by the healing that I’m currently going through; hoping that you will come back and clean the bleeding wound as I will definitely want my heart to beat again.

That second heartbeat; you.

Letting Go

There is a saying, “If you love the person, let them go. If they meant for you, they will come back but if they’re not, they never will" which resolve around giving up hope for the love one to come back in your arms.

But another saying stated otherwise, “An ex is just like a book that you has finished read. You already knew the ending so why you want to read it for the second time?”.

Therefore, it will eventually make us stumble upon two pathway. The first pathway reflects the hope that buried deep in our heart. No matter how much our ex break it, smash it into pieces; we keep on giving them chances because we love them much; too much till we don’t look back of their wrong doing to us because what we want right now, the only thing, at that moment…..is them.

Another pathway lead to keep us from looking backward and reminiscent the sweet moment which we have to leave behind. Despite they regretted on what they did to you, nothing that they do from the start they chasing you from the forest till the meet of the pathway; they’ll knee on the ground, looking at you moving forward while they at the other end crying. You cried too…..while walking along the path, the tears can’t stop itself from dripping at the end of your cheek but you walk, keep on walking, not looking back because if you do; they will see the tears and if they do, two things would happen.

It is either they will chase and grab you; and big chances are you’ll be on the first pathway; or walking away from you and deep in their heart they laugh because being able to put your tears turn to small droplets of glass and shatter when it reaches to the ground.

Each person in this world would want their relationship could last till their last breath; not a puppy love relationship but a relationship where deep in your heart whisper, “That’s the one…..whom able to make me smile just by listen to their voice, the person whom able to made me cry just by tiny mistake, the one whom reassured me that I’m good enough to be own by someone”.

And it is not just for couple whom are in a relationship but also referring when you confessed your true feeling towards that someone but got nothing in return. They just sitting there and said, “Owh….thank you.”. No action, no answer to your confession. Do they like you? Do they hate you? Do they still treat you the same? Those questions keep on playing in your mind.

It kept you waiting and keep on waiting until at one moment your heart said, “This is it. No more of painful waiting….. Come, lets move on.” and you too end up at the pathways.

We rather let fate to give us the answer where as it is us who suppose to made the decision ourselves.

But what we can do?

We are trapped between the pathways.

Closing the chapter of 2010

The new book will show itself any minute now; thus shows the curtain of 2010 will be closed.

Lot of challenges and tests that I have to endured trough out the year which I’m quite astonished to see myself was able to walk out with all of my limbs still intact.

2010 has really showed me path which I selected to choose. Sometimes, when I’m in doubt, I always see myself from another perspective to make sure in the end of the day no regret will come to me for making the wrong choice.

Of course, there are certain things that I haven’t fulfill so far such as travelling around Sarawak due to certain limitation that I posses. But it wouldn’t stop me from doing so in the future. The dream will be always continue to grow and it will be always evolve to make it better.

Thank you for my parents who let me did all the things in my way by supporting me financially. I always put the priority of study ahead of anything else even though I’m busy with almost everything and anything. Remember, parents’ blessing is important because without their blessing, you might end up doing all types of wrong moves.

Thank you to my lecturers who guide me all throughout these journey. You did fulfill your responsibility successfully by guiding and opening the door for us; to make me the proud as I can walk with my head held high. You did all the impossible achievable by giving us the ladder of knowledge which I climbed on to obtain the success by grasping hard upon it by years and finally, it is safely in my arms.

Thank you to my friends, who had pushed me all the way back; who convinced me to do something crazy and different. It’s because of you guys who influence me in peer manner which subsequently does influence the way I’m thinking and put my subtle into action. I do appreciate you guys who keep on believing in any activities which I plan and organize plus giving your full support by participating in those activities. From there, I know you guys have the faith and trust in me to do almost everything without being worry that it would be messed up. I do extremely believing in it.

Please do take care well of the Debate Unit. We fight, we won and we survive. I might not be around anymore but you guys along with the Debate Unit always in my heart; the nearest because you are part of my family.

Even with all my might that I possessed, I couldn’t have done all of the amazing things if it is not because of these people who really gives me their full fledge support to me; those two person which are important during my academic and life-experience study.

Thank you Miss L, for revealing my strength along with my weaknesses so that I can be better in future. Your way does really change me a lot and the peak is when Terrence and I successfully went to the final of Yayasan Sarawak World Style Debate Tournament 2010. In every explanation that you gave to me, it does create a hard imprint which I might say, quite hard to be forgotten. You’re the best and you will remain the best of the best from all the best.

Finally, thank you to my lover who shows me the meaning of true love. Time that has been spent with you will be cherish in my memory. And don’t to worry love, I won’t find another you over there. Till now sweetie, you will be remaining in my heart and in my mind all the time. I love you too much.

This is the closing of the chapter of 2010 and I hope that 2011 will bring a better way and a better excel to you and me.

I hope my new path in UiTM Shah Alam taking Bachelor in Mass Communication (Interpersonal) would bring me more great things ahead.

Until then, bon voyage.

The words and emotion

So it starts of unexpected.

You have mutual friends and add each other on facebook and msn. You get to know one another. It gets interesting.

Exciting. Fun. Numbers are added into phones. Text. Text. Text. Flirt. Flirt. Flirt.

You have deep and meaningful conversations and learn about them.

You begin to fall. You start dating. You fall harder. You are inlove. You hug. Kiss. Touch.

Life is great. You are in love. Can't go a day without talking to them.

Time flies. Things change. Things get rocky. You get hurt. Forgive, but can't forget. You love them to much to break up. They break up with you. You are shattered.

Life doesn't mean much no more.

You lost everything.

And it ends with heartache.

                                                                                - via Tumblr

Above words are the exact words of describing what I had, experienced and felt for the past six days.

For the one who’s I meant this for, thank you for everything. There will be no once who will love me like you do. Thank you once again.

I’m sorry that I made you cried

She is among of the people that  I respect the most.

She is strong and a very loving person indeed.

Yet, my accidental mistake that I committed last week is one of my biggest sin ever.

If that guy knows bout this, he’ll kill me and resurrect me again just to kill me twice.

I didn’t intend to hurt her feelings. I’m the one who are guilty here; not you.

The feeling when her tears starts drop, I was being clouded by the most terrible feeling ever.

She is important to me and important to us, yet it is I’m the one who made her cried.

She’s just doing what I thought was thoughtful and I blew it.

A thousand words of apology doesn’t cover much of my sin towards her.

I hurt her feeling, I wrecked her heart. I almost taken her apart.

I’m sorry and even it takes me another hundred years to utter those words, it will not make up my big stupid offence.

Every bit of memory

I’m sorry to you guys for ain’t updating this blog in a while. Blame the exam and the paperwork that I need to do throughout the entire week.

Right now, there’s lot of things which are currently being playing in my mind. Either you like it or not, I’ll try to express every issue that I want to say right now and trust me, it can be quite personal.

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All this while those three girls and I were the most closest people in the group that I called “The Elite Club”. We usually have our lunch together with the groups and even when we finished with our class, we would have our tea time together or if it is already late due to night class or even a debate training, we would conjured together for dinner at the canteen.

But it lasted until two semesters only.

It all change when one of them started to have a relationship. Quietly and slowly, she become more further away from us. I still remember her quote saying that '”..I appreciate my friends more than boyfriend (if I have one)..”. Although she’s still hanging out with us but it only happen in a few occasion. Three times in two weeks if I my calculation is right. So it only left two of them together with me.

Due to a certain academic issue, one of them have to back off from the tertiary education. I was like seems lost for a while since she is the most closest girl with me. It like you lost a twin. So there is just one left.

And recently, I officially lost her due to the fact that she also start to have a boyfriend plus the previous girl whom return to the tertiary education also got herself a boyfriend which makes me……seems gone.

I dated so many girls in the campus but yet, I can’t recall on ANY occasion that I actually left them out. When I think of it all over again, I NEVER DO IT!!! EVEN ONCE!!! So much of the words that they uttered few semesters ago.

People do and does change. Yes, I do realise that but if the change gave a negative effect to me, I wouldn’t accept it. I’m a man of my word and I kept others promise; every single word that came out from their mouth; I do took it seriously. But since all three of them eventually falls to their own world already, perhaps I’ll just be an observer. See the situation and their life from afar and if anything bad happening to them, I’ll be there.

Yes, you and they could say that I already have so much of girls around my life. It’s true, indeed. But the feeling being around them isn’t the same as being around with you guys. Did you ever realized that?

I don’t blame the first girl-friend because she tends to go home after having the class. Where as for the second girl-friend, she already got a new circle with her; BAD ONES whom always influenced her to do something stupid; even she try to deny the fact but it is obvious. As for the third-girlfriend, she’s right now along with her boyfriend, as I see is leading towards to the “social outcast” status.

Why do I said that? Both of them try to control each other by not letting any guy or girl approach each other. I mean, even the boyfriend told off one of their male friend who actually helping those two to become a couple.

Love tends to make people blind and it is now applicable to the second and third girl-friends.

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For The Elite Club circle, let us see our journey down the memory lane throughout the semesters before you guys hit to pursue your degree.

Warning: It may bring back some issue

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On a separate issue, my parents would not allow me to go to represent UiTM Sarawak in debate after the exam. They said it is not an academic issue for me thus is not important.

I said to them, “Well, do you expect me to sit at the house and babysit for this whole one month!? What do I gain? Nothing!!!”.

And my mum came up with what she thinks a solution. “Okay, I give you green light to go but don’t expect us to give you pocket money to go there…”.

And I was like……”What!?”.

I mean, there’s nothing is what I could a sense of pride in their voice of having a son represent his university in a tournament.

Why?

Because they think that having me as the only English speaker in the house tends to make me like an “Englishman-wannabe” and try to be in the category of trying to be an “up” person.

In their eyes, speaking English is just to pass the exam and other than that is just for showing off that you actually can speak English.

Luckily I already brainwash my siblings to accept English as a way of the communication in the house.

Yet, about the “no-pocket-money-if-I-go-debating-in-West-Malaysia” is still an issue from me. *Sigh*

They are what is you

Friends are important. There are friends to hang-out, for group studying even there is friends for watching football together.

But the thing that I want to highlight here is the people whom you are mingle with.

Without you realizing it, the will reflect on what you will become. Either it will affect your attitude, characteristic or even your future path.

Thank God, through the entire journey of my life I’ve been stumbled upon people who really made me what I am today.

I was just an ordinary boy, thinking immaturely and always gave childish act or answer. You will feel astonish on how this bunch of people taught me the meaning of life; from my taste of music, food, place, ideology etc.

Unfortunately, not all of us as lucky as I am. Loads of them ended up with a bunch of bastards who only know the meaning of”LET’S ENJOY AND HAVE FUN 24/7” without thinking the consequences and the effect to their friends.

They taught you something which is really bad indeed without teaching you the good substance to make it balance; at least mine did.

It is really sad indeed seeing somebody that you really care so much change and it keep on changing themselves in the name of “Because they’re my friends.”.

Perhaps these bunch of people just sees you as a ticket to a goldmine or even a back stage package. Let see if you have those thing at the first place; would they actually want to approach you at the beginning?

Yet, lot of people when they meet up with new friends they tend to leave the old ones even without realizing them doing it. Giving an excuses such as “I need to care about my new friends feeling too…” isn’t acceptable especially when the old friends knew you way more longer than the new “ones”.

Hence, sometimes we must be aware of these matter because by choosing your social circle, it is either you end up JUST LIKE THEM or realizing it before it’s too late.

Eye Twitching

Since Wednesday my lower left eye kept on twitching. I do have this back in the year 2007 and now it has return.

Old folks says that if our lower left eyelid keep on twitching, that means that we will cry and if the left eye end twitching, you will go through a bit of hardness.

Since I've been in a total-messed-up-trouble, I've been wanted to believe this superstitious believes; due to the fact what it has been state happened to me in 2007.

But then, there must be a scientific reason on why this symptom occur. Then, I found this:-

Eyelid movement = Myokymia

"Myokymia is; according to doctors;

A common condition where a few of the muscle fibers of the upper — or more commonly the lower — eyelid contract irregularly.
Myokymia is closely associated with stress, fatigue, lack of sleep and too much caffeine.

Treatment: Reduce your stress, get more sleep, nix the coffee, eat more bananas and B-complex pills. Throw in a couple of sugar pills for good measure. Save the cerebrospinal fluid exam for emergencies."

Credit to:- Mama Aina

So there you are. The scientific reason on why my left eye keep on twitching. Yes, I admit I do have a total-thick-gaban-level of stress, lack of sleep and I kept on drinking Nescafe' mild (the yellow sachet) until I stopped three nights ago.

With the exam papers fooling around (you can see me exam schedule on the right), it does really tense me up to a hiking mountain if I could metaphor it.

Thanks to my dear Baby (she really help me a lot in the case of reducing my stress), I'm not as stress at the previuos day but only when I have a quick glimpse of think about my stress issue, my heart will pound like crazy. God, I need to calm myself real quickly.

P/S: Even when I type this post, my left eye keep on twitching like crazy. And I miss my home...

Hari Khamis yang sungguh skeptikal sekali...

Terus-terang aku katakan, nak melupakan si dia bukanlah sebegitu mudah sekali terutamanya apabila aku selalu terserempak dengan dia. Ya, aku jumpa dia lagi semalam; Khamis. Dahlah aku patah jiwa minggu lepas pada hari Khamis juga. Aku rasa hari Khamis ni memang nak memalat aku dengan memedihkan hati aku dengan kepedihan tahap gaban.

Aku sebenarnya nak jumpa kawan aku Didi kat blok G tapi dia masih lagi dalam kelas. Entah mengapa aku ternampak si dia dengan lelaki baru dia tu kat tempat duduk depan pejabat siswazah. Bila teman lelaki dia ternampak aku, terus dia menggesel-geselkan badan dia kat badan si dia. Memang dasar nak buat aku cemburu tapi aku tahan je.

Nak menyedapkan lagi cerita, apabila si dia ternampak aku dia pun mula main tolak gesel-gesel badan. Kononnya nak membuatkan hati aku menggelegak yang sememangnya menggelegak bagai nak gila pun!

Tu lah kau Rahman! Nak sangat tunggu kat situ kan? Hah, sekarang kau rasakanlah pulak!

Sebelum badan aku naik hangin, aku pergi balik kelas aku dan cuba tenangkan diri. Lepas habis je kelas, aku bukak komputer riba Farah yang entah berapa hari aku pinjam dan cuba mencari lagu yang boleh membuangkan gambaran si dia dari kotak minda aku.

Dan akhirnya, aku menemui lagu nih....memang puas sangat hati aku.

Sila klik tajuk lagu untuk download...

Kelly Clarkson - Since You've Been Gone

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone

The “2nd last post” girl….

Forgive me if I ever hurt your feeling. Forgive me if I ever done anything wrong. Forgive me if I ever abandon you. Forgive me if I ever make you sad.

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It has been years since this feeling inside my heart didn’t show itself. You’re the first one in all these years whom successfully unlocked it after the darkness bolt it so tight until it will never reappear again; that is what I think.

I will never forget the time when I want to know you; the semester break has already started. Since you lived in a place quite far from my hometown, I gracefully let away RM10 for reload every night. Yes, your voice is much more luxurious than the value that I sacrificed every day. For two months I only hear your voice in the telephone and words by text. I try to hold myself from being emotionally attach towards you and it works; back then.

After the semester reopen, the first thing that I want to see is you but you only show up at the next day. Frankly, I feel disappointed but at the same time I looked at the bright side. I’ll definitely see you in the next day; just a little bit of patience, just a bit.

On the night I went to see you, the first thing that I want to see is your eyes. I miss those cheeky eyes of yours. The smile, the attitude and the most is the hair. Those curly wavy hair which makes me feels like to cut it and keep it to myself *weak smile*.

That week I took you out and dear, that day is one of the most of precious day that I’ve ever had. Being able to be with you all the time really warmth my heart. Since then, I have emotional attach towards you.

Yes, you already have a boyfriend and I admit that I really do not care about it at all. Then? It doesn’t stop me from winning your heart and eventually by time; I won. But your feeling is tearing into two; one for me and one for your boyfriend. But I really didn’t care about it because I know your boyfriend has atrial septal defects; a hole in the top chamber of the heart; and he needs your support during that moment.

At the same time, lots of guys are trying their luck to win over your heart but you never fall to any of them. At the same time, your friends hate me because stealing you away from your boyfriend. At the same time, I feel happy when I’m with you.

But it all change when your boyfriend passed away back in January. All the sudden you’re trying to run away from me and I kept on asking myself on the purpose you do it until Hana said these words to me that really makes me taken aback.

“For God sake Black! Her boyfriend died without knowing that all of this while his girlfriend are cheating on him! What’s wrong with you!!??”.

At that exact moment I know I have to do something. I tried to call you, texted you and even try to search for you but failed. Even when I saw you, you just ignored me or sometimes just have a little chat with me and then walk away. When I actually have the chance to talk to you; I give some room for you to be with your friends and gaining your strength back.

I can’t stop missing you. I want to be with you. I miss the way your kiss, miss the way when your hair blew by the wind, miss the way you make up and miss the way you love me too much.

Every day by day it continues the same way until I tried to replaced you with other girl. One girl to another girl, I still can’t get you out from my mind. I really miss you so much…. You may hear from people saying that Black is right now flirting with every different girl but actually I try to forgetting you because by thinking of you only suffer me more.

What happened last Thursday really made me cried. Yes, cried. When I saw you with that guy; you were laughing, smiling and looks happy; my heart sank. Hence I purposely walked by in front of you just to see what your reaction is. By the time you saw me; you cover your face with your hands. Why, because you feel ashamed towards me? Is that it?

That was the last straw. I went to my class hoping that feeling would go away but by the time I sat down; I cried. For the first time I cried because of a girl in three years. Now I know where I stand in your life. Maybe I would step back but I wouldn’t because I love you. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!

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So I would like to see how far you want to carry this out. No matter how hurt am I, no matter how suffer I am; I will always love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you and this words would keep on repeating itself again and again until I die.

I LOVE YOU....
.
.
.
.

NUR AISHAH HANIM

Kisah ibu terjahat di dunia...

Hari ini hari Jumaat, maka aku akan menulis dalam bahasa Malaysia.

Sebelum korang semua meneruskan bacaan dalam kiriman ini, aku perlu memberi amaran bahawa apa yang aku ingin tulis di sini akan menyentuh perasaan korang. Tidak kira samada korang lelaki atau perempuan, kecil atau besar, muda atau tua. Kerana apa yang aku ingin paparkan di sini adalah cerita mengenai seorang ibu yang langsung tidak layak sekali bergelar "Ibu".

Dan juga, sebelum terus membaca sila sediakan satu pek tisu untuk mengesat air mata yang mungkin akan mengalir semasa, ketika atau selepas membacanya. Dan jangan salahkan aku jikalau air mata korang tumpah apabila membaca madah aku ini; terutamanya lelaki.

Dengan itu, dipersilakan.

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Dua puluh tahun lalu, seorang ibu melahirkan seorang bayi lelaki, amat comel wajahnya akan tetapi bayi itu tampak tuli amat. Suaminya; Ali menamakan anak mereka, Yusri. Semakin lama semakin jelas bahawa anaknya memang agak lembab yang membuatkan si ibu itu berniat untuk menyerahkannya kepada orang lain agar suatu hari nanti Yusri akan mendapat pekerjaan yang ala kadar sahaja. Namun Ali menegah niat buruk itu isterinya itu. Akhirnya terpaksa si ibu membesarkan Yusri.

Pada tahun kedua kelahiran Yusri, si ibu itu melahirkan seorang bayi perempuan yang cantik yang dinamakannya Yasmin. Ali dan isterinya sangat menyayangi Yasmin lebih daripada Yusri. Seringkali pasangan suami isteri itu membawa Yasmin ke taman permainan dan membelikannya pakaian yang cantik-cantik dan mahal.

Tetapi keadaan yang sebaliknya bagi Yusri. Dia hanya memiliki beberapa pasang pakaian yang boleh dikatakan luntur dan boleh diibiratkan sebagai kain buruk sahaja. Ali berniat membelikannya pakaian baru namun isterinya selalu melarang dengan alasan tiada wang dan Ali terpaksa menuruti isterinya itu. Ketika usia Yusri dan Yasmin masing-masing menginjak empat dan dua tahun, Ali meninggal dunia. Mereka kehilangan tempat bergantung dan menjadi miskin disebabkan orang-orang yang menagih hutang arwah suaminya dulu. Akhirnya, si ibu mengambil keputusan yang membawa kepada penyesalan seumur hidup. Dia membawa Yasmin keluar dari rumah bersamanya manakala Yusri yang sedang lena tidur ditinggalkan begitu sahaja.

Bertahun telah berlalu sejak peristiwa itu. Si ibu berkahwin baru dengan seorang jejaka yang bernama Kamal dan kini usia perkahwinan mereka menginjak 5 tahun. Berkat Kamal, sifat-sifat buruk si ibu seperti pemarah, berlagak dan sombong mula menghilang sedikit demi sedikit dan akhirnya merubah si ibu menjadi seorang yang penyabar dan penyayang. Yasmin sudah berumur 18 tahun dan menuntut di universiti dalam bidang kejururawatan. Si isteri langsung tidak mengingati akan perihal Yusri sehinggalah dia di datangi oleh seorang pemuda di dalam mimpinya.

Tampan sungguh wajahnya akan tetapi, rupanya sungguh pucat. Dia melihat ke arah si ibu seraya berkata, "Mak cik, mak cik kenalkah ibu saya? Saya rindu sekali pada ibu!". Sesudah dia berkata demikian, dia mulai pergi akan tetapi segera si ibu menahannya.
"Tunggu dulu! Mak cik rasa mak cik kenal kamu. Siapakah namamu wahai pemuda?".
"Nama saya Yusri, makcik."
"Yusri? Yusri... Ya Tuhan! Betulkah engkau ini Yusri!?".
Si ibu terus tersentak dan terbangun dari mimpi. Perasaan bersalah, penyesalan dan pelbagai lagi perasaan aneh yang lain menerpa dirinya pada masa itu juga. Tiba-tiba terlintas kembali kisah yang terjadi dulu seperti sebuah filem yang ditayangkan kembali di kepala si ibu. Baru sekarang si ibu menyedari betapa jahatnya perbuatannya dahulu. Perasaannya sungguh berkecamuk sehingga dia hampir-hampir memutuskan untuk membunuh diri.
"Ya, aku patut mati! Mati! Mati!"
Cuma seinci sahaja lagi jarak pisau ke pergelangan tangan si ibu, tiba-tiba bayangan Yusri melintas kembali di fikirannya.
"Ya Yusri, ibu akan menjemputmu Yusri. Tunggu ya sayang....".

Pada petang hari itu juga, si ibu membawa dan meletakan kereta Civic birunya disebelah sebuah pondok sehingga membuatkan Kamal berasa hairan. Sambil menatap wajah isteri kesayanganya, dia menanyai tentang maksud mereka berada di tempat yang asing bagi Kamal.
"Hasnah, adakah sesuatu telah terjadi? Maksud abang, mengapa kita berada di tempat yang abang langsung tak kenal ni?"
"Oh abang.... Abang pasti benci akan Hasnah kiranya Hasnah ingin memberitahu abang sesuatu yang selama Hasnah ini rahsiakan daripada abang,".
Si ibu lantas menceritakan segal-galanya dengan tangisan yang teresak-esak. Alhamdulillah, ternyata Allah menganugerahkan si ibu seorang suami yang amat baik sekali dan yang penting sekali, memahami segala penderitaan yang dialami oleh isterinya selama ini.Selepas tangisannya reda, si ibu keluar dari kereta dengan diikuti oleh Kamal. Matanya menatap lekat pada gubuk yang terbentang dua meter dari hadapannya. Si ibu mula mengingati bahawa di pondok buruk itulah dia diam. Dan disitulah dia meninggalkan...."Yusri, Yusri. Adakah kau berada di dalam, nak?".

Ya, di situlah si ibu meninggalkan Yusri 16 tahun lalu. Dengan perasaan sedih si ibu berlari menghampiri pondok tersebut dan membuka pintu yang diperbuat daripada buluh itu.
Gelap sekali. Tidak terlihat sesuatupun di dalamnya....

Perlahan-lahan mata si ibu mulai membiasakan dirinya dengan kegelapan dalam ruangan kecil itu. Namun si ibu tidak menemui sesiapapun di dalamnya. Yang ada, hanyalah sehelai kain buruk yang berlonggok di lantai tanah. Si ibu mengambilnya lalu mengamatinya dengan betul-betul... Matanya mulai berkaca-kaca, si ibu mengenali potongan kain itu . Ini adalah baju buruk yang dulunya dipakai oleh Yusri setiap hari...

Setelah puas berada di dalam pondok itu, si ibu keluar. Air matanya mengalir dengan deras. Sungguh sayu dan sebak sekali keadaan pada ketika itu. Si ibu cuma mendiamkan diri sahaja. Ketika si ibu dan suaminya baru sahaja menaiki kereta untuk meninggalkan tempat itu, si ibu perasan bahawa ada seseorang sedang terhendap-hendap di belakang keretanya. Ketika itu, hari mulai gelap dan apabila si ibu menghampiri orang itu, alangkah terkejutnya bahawa didapati seorang nenek tua memerhatikannya di belakang kereta itu. Tambah mengejutkan si ibu itu lagi apabila dengan tiba-tiba sahaja nenek tua itu menegur si ibu dengan suara yang parau.
"Hei! Siapakah kamu berdua!? Apa yang kalian mahu!? Cepat pergi dari sini!"
Dengan memberanikan diri, si ibu pun bertanya, "Nenek, apakah nenek kenal dengan seorang anak muda yang bernama Yusri yang dulunya tinggal di sini?" sambil wajahnya membuat air muka pengharapan.

Lantas dengan muka yang menunjukkan amarah yang amat, dia menjawab, "Kalau kau adalah ibunya, KAU ADALAH IBU YANG PALING TERKUTUK!!!" bentaknya sambil dadanya berombak-rombak apabila bercakap menandakan si nenek tua itu berada dalam keadaan yang marah amat.

"Tahukah kau? Sejak kau meninggalkannya ENAM BELAS TAHUN yang lalu, Yusri terus menunggu ibunya dan memanggil, 'Ibu...ibu. Ibu berada di mana. Tolong balik ibu!!! Ibu...ibu...' Oleh kerana aku tidak sampai hati melihat keadaannya yang sebegitu, akulah yang memberikannya makanan dan aku juga yang selalu mengajaknya untuk tinggal bersamaku!"

"Walaupun aku ini orang miskin, tidak mempunyai sebarang harta dan hanya bekerja sebagai pemungut sampah, namun aku tidak akan meninggalkan dan TIDAK SAMPAI HATI meninggalkan anakku seperti itu! Tiga bulan yang lalu Yusri meninggalkan sehelai kertas ini. Dia belajar menulis setiap hari selama bertahun-tahun hanya untuk menulis ini untuk kau..."

Si ibu pun membaca tulisan yang agak kusam pada kertas itu. Surat yang berbunyi, "Ibu, mengapa ibu tidak pernah kembali lagi? Ibu marah pada Yusri, ya? Ibu, biarlah Yusri yang pergi saja akan tetapi ibu harus berjanji yang ibu tidak akan marah lagi pada Yusri,".

Si ibu menjerit seakan-akan histeria apabila habis membaca surat itu. Sambil melutut di kaki nenek tua itu, si ibu merayu "Tolong...tolonglah beritahu di mana anak ku sekarang? Aku janji yang aku akan menyayanginya! Aku tidak akan meninggalkannya lagi! Tolonglah!!!! Beritahu di mana anakku itu...!!!" dengan Kamal memeluk erat tubuh isterinya yang terketar-ketar dan lemah itu.

Dengan nada yang lembut nenek tua itu berkata, "Semuanya sudah terlambat. Sehari sebelum kamu datang, Yusri sudah meninggal dunia. Dia meninggal di belakang pondok ini. Tubuhnya sangat kurus dan dia sangat lemah. Hanya demi menunggumu, dia rela bertahan di belakang pondok ini tanpa akan berani masuk ke dalamnya. Dia takut apabila ibunya datang nanti, ibunya akan pergi lagi apabila melihat dirinya ada di dalam sana,".

"Dia hanya berharap dapat melihat ibunya dari belakang pondok ini. Meskipun hujan deras, dengan keadaannya yang lemah, dia terus berkeras dan berdegil menunggu kamu di sana,".

Dan secara tiba-tiba nenek tua itu berkata dengan rasa amarah yang amat sekali, "DENGAN SEMUA INI, KAU MASIH LAGI FIKIR YANG KAU ADALAH IBU YANG BAIK!? DOSA KAU TAK AKAN TERAMPUN!!!!". Si ibu tiba-tiba sahaja pengsan dan tidak dapat mengingati apa-apa lagi.

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Semoga menjadi pelajaran bagi kita sebagai orang tua mahupun bagi yang akan berkahwin; janganlah menyalahkan apa yang sudah diberikan oleh Allah s.w.t. Tetapi hargailah apa yang diberikan oleh Allah itu dengan cuba bersabar.Kerana Dia tidak akan memberikan sesuatu apapun dengan sia-sia.

Pengajaran kisah ini: Sayangi orang di sekitar anda kerana anda tidak tahu akan sesiapa yang benar-benar menyayangi kita.