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Closing My Eyes On Christmas

As I woke up in the morning and looking through my window, white flakes of snow dropping from the sky, I knew right away it is Christmas morning. But the excitement that always jumping inside me is no where to be found. It is like the Dementors are there right at the side, sucking out the happiness from me.

I’m unable to get out from the bed because I don’t want to. I want you to be here hugging me from behind, snuggling and cuddling with me on the sheets. Never leave the bed unless we are hungry.

Those were my Christmas wish…before you left without telling me the reason behind it. Many times I called and text, you did not pick up nor reply. I keep on asking for giving us another chance, no answer. You let me daggling from one snow flakes to another waiting for it to fall to the ground and letting me to get burry underneath it; letting me go to see Him with unanswered questions.

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Magic Dust

Dear magic dust,

I still remember first time I met him in a place I know so well. From afar, I was laying my eyes upon the person who possessed a beautiful smile alongside with cute dimple on each cheek. I poised myself, trying to be around him while collecting the courage to speak up, even to say “Hi”, it would be enough. But you gave more than that.

There were you on his hair; perhaps reciting the love chants. When I noticed, I came up to him and brushed his hair subconsciously. When I realized of my action, my heartbeat became fast and there he is smiling and while extending his hand to me, he said “Thank you, miss …..?”. And our magic moment began.

Dear magic dust,

Thank you for inspired him to wrote sweet messages, letters and cards. Initially, I was hesitated upon how he would bring this relationship to another level and there you are again made him to rubbed his eyes because “There is dust in my eyes”. I softly blew his eyes and when we found ourselves looking directly into each other’s eyes, he proposed. I was once again feel blessed.

Dear magic dust,

It seems like he is far from my reach. Something about him change. Please, I beg you…bring him back to me. I miss talking to him for hours in the phone, texting him endlessly and cuddling while feel his warmth around me. I love him so much. Without him, there would not be the left of me no more.

Dear magic dust,

He is everything to me. He is my air. He is my sight. He is my soul. He is my life. For me, he is the one; whom I want to devote my life to and to whom I want to called as my partner for life. Let death make us apart and let marriage be our unbreakable bond.

The vow we will utter, the words that we meant; let is be the eternity chant which make us belong to and only to each other.

Page 331 of 366

Unseen Suffocation

There will be that moment when you think that he does not care. There will be that moment where his hug as not as tight as before. There will that moment you think that he ignores you. There will be that moment you feel tired being treated that way. There will be that moment when you want to walk away.

You told him that you want to walk away but he keep on holding you from going away. Day by day he hold you longer but you feel like you are trap in a room with the exit being shut tight. You eagerly want to get up and run to the door to get away as if claustrophobia hits but the door is still close.

He keep on asking you whether you are fine or not but the truth is he did just hold on tight. The longer he do this, deep inside you are dying. But he knows that there is something wrong. Something that you do not telling him. He can sense that but he choose to remain silence because he is afraid it will drift you further. Yet, he also believe the commotion between you and him can be solve.

All that he needs is time and real communication; nothing to hide, nothing to hold on. Spill everything, utter every words and listen intently. When he already hear all the things that he needs to hear and it is still unfixable, then…..then it is your call.

Page 179 of 366

Third Degree of Walking Away

Stepping into someone’s life and not leaving out footprint when you leave is just like walking along the beach expecting the waves wiping out your steps. The moment you own the person’s heart, trust and loyalty; they will take care of you like above themselves.

Every time you decide to leave, loyalty towards you that keeps them waiting; although they did tried to work out with someone else, the feeling is not the same. Hoping you will flung in their arms is their ultimate dream before anything fall upon causing the inexistence of their presence.

Third is a charm and both of you expect the relationship would last; things that blew the previous steps are been shut down. Relationship status is only for the real social circle; not Facebook;, texting and calling instead of filling each others wall plus being concern and trust each other in everyday life by getting involve and participate.

Alas, you walked out and another hopeful tears slides along the cheek. Thus, a wonder recites within their mind asking them if the act of waiting is insane, absurd and foolish. While glancing the pictures you, they said, “Acting being a fool is a easy. Waiting like crazy and looking for absurd horizon of resetting time is all in mind; but try to look strong to that person is the hardest. My heart shattered even more but letting the noise when it hit the floor from my the one I love; I won’t let them because by having my love walking away; is a chance for us to be prepare to be better for each other in the future”.

Hence, they gulp a boil of poison; hoping you would come back and kiss them so they would be conscious to make another story together; and that time, for eternity.

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The One That Got Away

You and I; us.

Those are the only way to explain whenever people would ask about our relationship. We are friends but somehow our hearts whispered to our soul that we could not exist without each other. The magic almost trigger itself but we restrain the spark as we believe that both of us need to committed to the person whom we love; and being better partner for the another.

Perhaps fate would intertwine our soul together in latter future; and we do not deny about the possibility; as by the time comes; we will be ultimately for each other in better from compare if we have done so in ashes of time.

Drifting apart is not an option; unless an utterless mistake being done which shattered the crystal knot. Smiles has lost and tears everywhere; causing the sky lifting the rainbow to be return to heaven as there no more reason to be on earth.

You and I, us. The bond. The link. It is everything for me; and you are everything to me. But what am I to you....when you walk away.

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Secret Keeper

One of the biggest responsibility a normal being could care is trust; and it can be much more intimate when it is about secret that anyone should not know.

As a secret keeper, you have to keep on being conscious from every words that you utter up to the words which currently lingering in your mind. Once it is slip, there no turning back and the only thing that you can do is pray that the information would not be viral; or worse, affecting those person whom you protect with the secrets.

Friendship would be in jeopardize, lovers parted and broken families would emerge from the situation that you did not intend to happen on the first place; such being a Secret Keeper will face this risk.

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Late Night

Once, I went through a silent road that I know by heart.

“I finally found her!” my heart whispered.

By the time we reach the final road, she smashed it to pieces. Enough of causing my heart went through despair and sufferings which could lead to my death whenever I miss you.

As I expected, I forfeited causing the cut bleed more because as love come and go; all it did is just leaving me all alone. Letting me live without feel the sweetness of the love itself, constantly ripping me off at the point when I need it.

For sure, by late night, I would going through flashback causing tears running. It’s the only thing that I can do aside keep on dreaming about you.

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To Love Somebody

Who says that it is easy to love someone? Who says that it is easy to going through relationship? Who says that it is easy to forget about the person you love? Who says that it is easy to move on? Who says that it is impossible to create a bond?

Loving someone isn’t just about expecting something in return from them; perhaps you might say it is about give and take; but upon self perspective, the main reason why you love someone is because you’re giving half of your heart, your soul and your entire of your hope to share it with someone who is special to you; in a way it could turn you insane in a heartbeat whenever something in the bond goes wrong.

To achieve that level of expectation; doesn’t care what that person has done to you, deep down you’re hurting but you can’t let them go as you accept their flaws more than their good quality.

And that is about truly loving a person; because the assure you that they would never let you go despite bad things that they would do behind your back; there must be a reason, although it is yet non-acceptable; you are the person of their choice; their future, your future, together.

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New Start

There will be a point where you need to leave your comfort zone because you just want to leave everything behind; perhaps for a reason; as it is for a good cause.

You may need to leave your love ones, places you like, food you love and people whom you’re so kin with; as bringing them along in one small corner of memories would make you feel reluctant to go away.

Perhaps you might say there might not be a good decision but certain things remain to be unknown until you actually try to force yourself stepping in the circle of change by trying to adapt with the new surrounding.

A bless in disguise as most people would say it when you finally figure out all the meaning behind it; in which it does takes time but time is one of the things that we need to risk and to be put upon sacrifice.

Just believe those things that you will do is right and trust me; everything will be fine.

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Failure

As human being, we tend to stay away from failure and end up being disappointed to ourselves.

Most people would see it as a bad omen in their life; believing themselves would not get up and ready to face the world since the high expectation causing pressure upon the things that they are doing.

Why not we look failure as part of a normal life cycle? Everybody experienced it but what makes it different between other people are the level of failure.

The first level is where the failure is minor such as get an “F” for a paper in which it does not affect much in someone’s life.

The second level of failure is when it affect other people around you such as break-ups in a relationship where deep down, you know it would not be the same anymore between both of you. Awkwardness and silence will rise towards the progression of being  stranger.

The third failure is called the major failure where your life is totally being affected by it and you just cannot simply stop it from coming. When it comes, don’t you ever kneel on the ground as it would push you harder to by pressuring you up until at one point you may lost your mind.

There is a cure for all levels of failures. You want to know what it is? Easy.

“Look the glass as half full, not half empty”.

Page 25 of 366

Two Guys, A Girl and Getting Her Attention

You have met a girl; cheeky, cheesy, crazy beautiful girl; whom you flirt around during an occasion. Both of you had a meaningful conversation and has giving each other indicators of liking each other.

Getting her attention is the hardest part of initiating in a pre-relationship because in a girl’s mind, giving you her attention easily makes her looks cheap and easy; when it does not look that way to guys who want a fast result and fast delivery. They do not care what linger in a girl’s mind as they would only get the girl for their self intention. By showing effort and with the right way, you are not just obtain her attention but her trust too; as in the “World of Girls” are the most important element in their honour.

Since then, both of you exchanged numbers and other social network profiles; texting and tweeting becoming your daily routine. As you thought that you could bring her up to another level, you suddenly realized there is another eyeing upon her too and that guy is none other is a friend of yours.

Hence, you ended up standing in the fine line of dilemma; either you continuing with the progression or stepping aside, giving your friend a chance to go.

It is even much more difficult to the girl when she have to choose between to guys whom are friends and that terrible feeling that she would get when she actually tied a knot with either one of them.

Thus, the girl have to make a very concrete decision upon on which guy she would lend her heart too. Despite there are two guys who are currently show their interest towards her, she must identify upon which guy that gives out most effort; who call, text and checking upon her consistently; and momentum which does not fade. Therefore, if she decided to choose, the other guy will accept her decision and acknowledge the winner.

But sometimes, it is more complicated than it seems because you put almost everything important in your life at stake; friendship, relationship, romance; and you might loose it all.

Perhaps you can call “dibs” but by declaring it without putting any effort, the other guy would actually stood up front and do the hunting. Then again, calling “dibs” does not work that way.

The nature of a girl that would want a guy who can give her comfort, assurance and make her feel safe, are the major essential keys in which every guy need to understand. You just can’t simply game without the basic knowledge of a girl’s Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. When you actually realized and have the information at the back of your head, everything would be smooth for you; despite competition from other guys.

So, what both of them could do is being a gentlemen within the fair play game and puts out effort but don’t over do it as certain girls would easily being turn off if she founds out both of the guys gives out too much as it would create more jumble in her mind and being much more complicated for her to make up her decision.

From there, she would decide that she would walk out and perhaps choose another guy instead. In the end, no one wins.

Which is why, both guys need to take it slow but in a moderate face; not to be aggressive but being progressive to each other as they help themselves out to be a better man than before.

Personally, the girl should go to the first guy who initiate the spark and since he keep his feeling from being known to the competitor; which is also his friend; it is the responsibility of the girl to tell the second guy to step back and tell him that another guy is currently trying to know her well; without giving out the identity; which may cause a lengthy episodes of future drama.

Yet in the end, it is not about who is the worthy ones; but it is about who gives out the best effort and continue to give her even though both of them is already in a relationship.

Fear of Love and Commitment

When we’re falling in love, we can sense it. Our heart beats rapidly, our cheeks blush, we keep on smiling every time we remember about that person, heart jumps out of joy even when received a text despite it is just one word; we don’t mind all of that because we’re in love.

But what if that person likes us too?

Perhaps some of them would have a happy ending and starting a new journey with their love one but what about some of them who would not escalate to the next level?

This is because they are afraid of the expectation that they want in the relationship. Some of them are afraid because of one’s differences; age, culture and background; and some are afraid of being hurt again. Let me tell you. It is not because of the these reason that makes you fear of commitment.

By all mean, the main reason is not your fear towards love but your fear towards being abandon.

When we are in a relationship, we depend towards our partner to give the feeling of being need, a sense of belonging, kinship and assurance. With all that, we feel that we are complete; no matter what will happen to you next, as long they are there, you feel happy.

Hence, when they are gone, you will not receive those pleasure anymore in which will cause a side effect because this pleasure is addictive; but lacking or loosing it will create a ‘loss’ deep in the heart.

Those are the expectation that every person wants, it’s the content of love that they want to feel, it’s the significant of the relationship they want to adhere.

Once we have it, we don’t want to loose it but what if it does?

This question is the main reason why you could not move on with your past relationship and at the same time the valid reason why you do not want to love again.

Differences comes in various shape which will influence the decision that we are not suppose to do on the first place.

Age perhaps would be a factor but one thing about age that it change; it’s just a figure. Even though you’re 16 and he’s 24, feelings cannot be put aside especially when both of you like each other. Even if you try to do so, it will kill you because both of your heart already become one and to make it apart would just create bleeding when you try to rip it apart.

Self different background might haunt your mind. In a relationship you hope that it will last, until marriage but what if he’s from different part of the world different religion, different lifestyle. Perhaps he would want to change just for you but it’s for you; not for your religion, not for your culture, not for your world. And it would be hurtful trying to see him coping with all these new things.

You might say that both of you could end up to become a couple but when your end expectation of the relationship is marriage, you decline to utter “yes” due to the reason, according to you, that both of you will not end up with each other. Therefore, it will cause a shatter to your heart if it happens.

In the previous relationship, the person hit your heart badly, left you with bruises towards your feelings until you feel traumatized by it; in which caused you to have a hard decision to give a final say to the next guy that you actually like; which he even confessed to you that he like you  without ever realizing that you like him too in return.

Taking note from all these situation, did you know that you are just being selfish? You try to protect yourself from potential harm that perhaps would be your happy ending. The person that you like whom in time will develop to be a person that you love will pay for it.

When you say “No” to a guy due to all reason in the world; guys would take it as “Try next time” and what if he says that he will wait for you. The longer he waits for you,the stronger your feelings is going to be towards him but your keep him waiting; like a clown. Aren’t you making him suffer? Despite you told him to find someone else although you love him, he stays, he keep you company, he is there when you need someone to talk to. Can’t you see or are you blind?

Every person who live in this world have one similar right and it is they deserve a change. It’s either they are opt for it or someone has help them so.

In this matter, he deserve a chance and it is not right for you to denied them. Love is a risk and perhaps that is why you won’t take him in despite your heart already has.

Our life is full with risk; crossing the road for example and worst case scenario that we will hit by a vehicle; as so much love and break-up will not give any up to par to it.

If the risk happen, it will make us any stronger.

Don’t be afraid to love. Be brave to accept and to cater because from there you will appreciate someone better than the previous and best compare to your next.

If you let those differences becoming your barriers, one day he will walk away and there is no turning back.

It is better to regret now  if the relationship does not work out eventually; at least you’ve tried and giving him a chance he deserve; compare you regret it 5 years later for not doing it as you don’t know if it will bring you to a happy ending at that exact moment.

Love, give them a chance and cherish; as in return, you will be a fighter for your love.

It’s about insecurity and trust

Did you ever face this problem where your girl accuse you of cheating on her even though you’re not?

Even you’re not but why does she accuse you do?

There must be a solid reason on why she acting like that.

It’s mainly because of this thing called “INSECURITY”.

The reason that cause this problem is perhaps because she have been cheated by her ex in the previous relationship and even worst, every single man that she dated cheated on her in every occasion.

Therefore, it is you who will receive the full-blast even if the relationship just started less then a week. Nether less she is beautiful, stunning or even the most pretty girl in the campus ground, they still have the feeling of insecurity inside them. So there is no way of us trying to avoid those things.

Main reason is where there is this type of relationship where both of you just texting and rarely call each other, you put your relationship status as “In a relationship” but on her side is “Single” even though you send her a relationship request in Facebook, you never have an actual date and both of you never walk side by side in the campus ground because she doesn’t want her friends to know about both of you for the time being.

Hence, she doesn’t have any sort of solid proof that you are hers to assure her that you are hers, that you are loyal to the relationship and towards her too. Even if you ask her on what type of she wants for you and you will try your best to do it so that she could believe you, she couldn’t due to the cause that even she doesn’t know how to define a solid proof herself.

Another problem is TRUST. She couldn’t trust you that much because partly both of you just in the relationship. Maybe it is easy for guys since trust solidity is being build up day by day along with the relationship itself but it is not that easy for some girls since she does had a rough and hard time in the previous relationships.

In a nutshell, because of other guys whom she had commit play around with her feelings and her trust, it is you who have to receive the burden. It is you who have to reassemble the pieces; from the previous guy’s dirty job; within her but it is hard because some tiny fraction of the piece is under something which is hard to reach or out of your grasp.

Now, with INSECURITY and TRUST are the main issue, is there any solution to this matters?

No, there is no solution but there is ways to ease this issues.

First, INSECURITY. Stop telling her that “I wouldn’t do it”, “You’re the only one for me”, “Do believe in me” and such repeatedly. Why? It is annoying and do bear in mind how many times she had listen to this cliché’ answers from the previous guys she had dated, that she had commit with in the past? Psychologically, in her mind the more you’re saying those words, the more tendency her words is right because every guys that she dated in the past says will surely cheated on her.

Just tell her not more that THREE times or else she would be tired of you using the same answer or excuse. Do tell her that you would give her some space; meaning let her to have a calm period; until she is ready to text you back. Let her know that you are always be there for her; even she doesn’t have anything to share or to talk about; just ready to be there for her. In the other hand, it would assure her eventually that you are hers but it does takes time.

Second, TRUST. For a girl, you don’t get her trust easily. It’s their nature. The best thing is just be there with her and eventually she will open it up to you. Remember, TRUST is earn not given. Tell her that during the build-up of the relationship, it is also a process for you to learn on how to TRUST each other. Even she doesn’t understand on how that would be imply but gradually according to time she will get it subconsciously. If she keep on having TRUST problem over a period of time, just hang-on to that. Imagine that she had a 3 years long relationship with a man who in the end cheated on her, on how you want to make it clear and firm to her that she can trust you although you and her just started 3 months ago? It does takes time but eventually, the issue will wear off.

Try these recommendations to ease things up and God willing, if you do love her, it will work.

Contact lens? What contact lens? What is contact lens?

Indeed I’m wearing contact lens since yesterday. But to tell you the truth, I was quite nervous when I want to put it on. So nervous until it buy my time of 30 minutes.
Same thing happened today too.
I bought it last Saturday and the promoter of the store kept on giving pressure on me to learn-on-how-to-wear-it ASAP so that I would leave the store while their faces are broad in smiles.
It cost me around RM50; RM51 to be exact.
What type of lens that I chose?
It’s this one.

The colour?
It’s this one.

Pure Hazel

Sorry to disappoint you but that eye is not mine. Maybe I’ll put it up on later.
Hell no that I would wear this at home. My parents really emphasize to all the family members; NO CONTACT LENS!
Once my SPM leaver brother once caught for possessing it, my mother went freak out mad and there was lecture on eyes health by her for about 2 hours.
I bought this secretly behind their back and I only wear and take it off in the campus ground.
What if I’m being caught?
It is where my parents start to read my blog.
Pray for me please.

Mengenang

 

Entah mengapa aku sekarang ni suka sangat dengar lagu 60an. Aku rasa aku perlu salahkan Kaseh pasal dia orang yang mula-mula mainkan aku lagu A. Ramlie sebulan lalu.

Pas tu, disebabkan aku dah mula ada private broadband (alaaa…part ni yang aku selalu lupa mention kat korang dalam blog. Nanti kalau aku ada masa, aku ceritakan eyk?), mulalah aku mencari site-site yang membolehkan aku download lagu lama-lama dulu.

Sekarang ni, aku dah ada at least empat buah lagu. Aku tahu sikit gila tapi lama-lama kumpul jadi bukit kan? Tambahan lak, nih time exam sekarang nih. Jadi kepala aku pun sibuk nak fikir menda2 penting nih. Janji aku kat Hana untuk dapat dekan semester nih mesti dijadikan sebagai alasan yang kuat untuk aku able pegang D.L semester nih.

I’m a man with my word and I’m able to do so. Jadi aku harap aku dapat tunaikan janji aku ni. Kalau tak, aku memang gila babi rasa bersalah nanti.

Aite! Tu sajer aku nak cakap kat korang. Karang, aku nak siapkan practical report aku yang dah 4 bulan tertunda. Sir aku dah warn dah. Kalau tak hantar, alamat terpaksa repeat la praktikal aku ni nanti.

Padan muka aku.

Have a break

I’m sorry to you guys that I haven’t update my blog in about nearly 2 weeks. Blame the workloads and assignments that I need to done within those week.

Even for this time, I’m stealing a bit of my time to tell you what currently happening. Well, I got shitloads to tell you but then I need to save it for later (if I actually have the time to blogging).

I really miss my moment where I just can sit down while just enjoying a cup of hot coffee and surfing the net.

Wonder if that time will ever pass by again.

After searching and searching

I think that I already found her; the one whom I love the most.

No, there’s no transition between “LIKE” to “LOVE”.

Yes, there’s a “BUT”. If I make I move, all those things that we; he, her, me, you, they, us;  currently having right now I’m afraid that I would likely to loose it all.

Hence, I’ll be idle.

Do not ask me why.

I’ve seen with my bare eyes all these while of the destructive power of love.

The damage that has been done is much more worst than what hits Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

At least, you can rebuild everything from scratch; but not this one.

On you lost it, I will lost it; FOR GOOD.

Either to take the risk or not.

I choose NOT.

The Result of The Result

What can I say? I didn’t perform well in the exam and cause me a lot of hell towards my pointer.
My GPA drop like hell and my CGPA is only barely enough for me to graduate from my course.

Looks like I have to struggle next semester. Well, not entirely. All I need to do is manage my time well and also study smart.

Loads of my friends are able to sustain their pointer above 3 and some of them are able to make it to the Dean List.

I’m so frustrated to myself and I vow to myself that I won’t involve in non-academic activities and reduce my involvement in debates because from my observation that is the main cause of my insignificant asides my inability to focus well on certain subject.

Besides, for next semester I already full utilized my 29 hours of my credit hours and I think that I will have a very tiring semester ahead.

All I need right now is your prayer and wishes upon my future success.

UiTM Result : Do You Dare To Face Expulsion

Less than 15 minutes from now, the result will be out. Even I feel really scare indeed; I have 3 papers at the pillar for goodness sake. I bet every UiTM students throughout Malaysia except for the foundation students who already knew their result 2 weeks ago feel the same way as I did.

Along the day, Giovannie and I can’t think well enough on how the result will turn out. Both of us is at the edge of despoliation if the result doesn’t seem to be on our side.

After all, some of my classmates who do their practical somewhere in some estate area who does not have an internet connection are the major deepest people who worry about the outcome.

Taking a quote from Giovannie, “If I’ll being dismiss, I will not come tomorrow to continue my practical because there is no point for you to end the practical when you are not a UiTM student anymore.

So for those students in the estates, either they like it or not, they have to continue their practical up to the end because they can’t get any information of what so ever; taken into account some place do not have mobile signal to make calls to phone their friends to check out their result; until they actually done with the practical, go out back into the civilization and from there knew they most dreaded thing them most.

Here I would wish all the people good luck and may God bless us to obtain a good result or in other people language; SAVE FROM EXPULTION.

WEEEHUUU!!!! But….

Exam is all over but yet I’m not happy about it. Maybe to certain people you guys will be quite weird for my expression but the truth is; it is.

So far I have 3 papers at stake and with the result that may come out around June; I do feel really afraid indeed.

Why?

I already count; taking the probability of the worst, my CGPA will drop from above 3 to 1.89.

See my situation now?

So people, pray and cross your finger for me aite..