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Holding Breath

You ran to win his heart. You pretended that you are not interested when he read your hint. You are together with him after he convinced that both of you would not be apart. Hands held tight, lips touched and by each second, both of your body getting closer and closer until became one.

Listening to his voice for hours, staring deeply into his dark hazel eyes, running through your fingers through his hair and laid on his chest for the entire day listening to his heart beat were the only best things upon how you wanted to spend your day; with him.

He said he is done; with you, with the relationship, with everything; he is completely done. You begged, you cried, you hope and prayed that he will turn back and run to you but the more you look to the horizon, the more he is getting further and farther from your sight.

Out of tears, your chest inhale and exhale rapidly, confusion, regrets and all emotions sipping through your mind. As you tried to hold your breath, you keep on saying to yourself that you are strong enough to face this. But as a mere mortal, we could hold our breath long enough. You loose it; breath exhale…together with tears and sobbing.

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When You Have Someone Else

When you have someone else, do tell me. Don’t hide it. Don’t avoid it. Truth hurts but at least I know there is someone that could make you feel happier compare to me. Do love her as you love me, do take good care of her as you take good care of me and do appreciate her as upon how you appreciate me.

When you have someone else, I won’t blame you for everything for what has happened. I know there is a reason upon why you did it and without you uttering it, I know it was me because you will not go to someone else if you are happy with me on the first place.

When you have someone else, do not avoid me. Let us sit down and talk and tell me everything upon why you are unhappy with our relationship. I will listen to you relentlessly, tirelessly listening to each words, each diction, each sentences. Be clean,clear and explain thoroughly to me what I did wrong so I would take it as a self lesson.

When you have someone else, don’t ever left me hanging. Because if you do, I will become aimless as I have no one to be depend upon. From there, I’ll die of suffocation since my air to breath is no where to be found.

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Pandemonium of Melee

As she walks swiftly along the park, her mind is in worry. For the past few days, he did not called nor picking up the phone. She tries to comfort herself by thinking perhaps he is busy with his new job that made him landed on the bed by the time he reaches home.

Yet, with fifty seven calls that either ended up in his voicemail and on his screen notification; only once he replied to her call and the conversation barely last a moment. She misses him so much; too much that she drowned in the deep longing pit.

Inside, she is deteriorating but she is still keep on fighting. All the words that he said; about he is done with the relationship; really causing her heart to bleed and each second that passes by, the pain grows. But she believe that the relationship can be save.

She begged him to stay as she is trying to rectify herself; being better for him but he keep on ignoring her believing that she will not be. Alas, he was right. It was only one mistake and he throw piles of guilt to her. She seeks for forgiveness as she is just an ordinary girl who will make mistake. A mistake that she had done without her realizing it and he says he is done.

No more sign of her existence in his book but she knows that he is not entirely leaving her because she still can feel his presence in her heart…in her mind. As she keep on trying to prove him that she is trying to be better, trying to be a better partner for him but she worries that mistake would happen again; thus costing her loosing him for good.

He does still care, he does still love and he do but he would not show it as he would feel afraid that she will take him just for granted. Deep down inside, he does not leave as he will keep on watching her from afar. He loves her and he will keep on stay but he needs her to prove that she is worth it to have him and by looking upon her effort, it will be decide solely by himself.

As for her, she does not want him to leave. She just wanted him to be there right beside her, grasping her hands saying that everything will be fine; and it will.

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A Cry of A Gemini

A Scorpio once said, “I’m afraid of a lot of things but mostly, most sincerely, I’m afraid of being unraveled by you and you finding nothing you want in here.”

For Gemini, these words have a lot of meaning behind it. First, it shows that how Scorpio have the fear of loosing someone that she loves and in many occasion to other Scorpios, they let this feeling slips inside and causing it to grow every time the insecure rises.

Thus, it leads to the love towards their partner starting to fade slowly to oblivion. Without their acknowledgement, the lost of love and passion is just pseudo. It is not washed away because of Scorpio herself but merely by the existence of cannibalistic cut, insecurity and jealousy.

Secondly, a Scorpio will try as best as she could, with all her might to make the relationship to work out. But sometimes, in the initial stage of the relationship, their partner still try to catch up upon the unique complexity of a Scorpio, until by the time their already figure it out, Scorpio runs out through the door assuming that she failed them due to the partner did not show to her a symbol, a sign or an expression of worthiness and galore to having her as their half.

Despite all of the perception made by Scorpio, a Gemini could see it through because one gift a Gemini have are the ability to foresee what will happen, the gift of an excellent analytical emotionize thinking and the strength of going through a very delicate moment. So as Scorpio winding her way to apt of endless, Gemini pulled her hand and lay her on his back while Gemini struggling thorough the streams of hopeless end.

He never give up upon of what he believes in despite the other stars telling Scorpio that it would not work; that the gravity pull will loose its tension upon the believe of love. As Scorpio like to keep things that hurting her to herself, she will never conceal it to others except for Gemini; but in an indirectly way. If Gemini could read the sign or if he unable to, it is totally up to him. Scorpio would not tell him no matter how worst the situation has become.

Therefore, a Gemini would fall into a slump and on that instant, Scorpio would let go her arms around Gemini’s neck and make a run through the open door. But a dearly Gemini knows it. By using his determination, his foot make a leap using the pit wall and land just right in front of the door and almost bump into her where one foot of Scorpio have step out of the door.

There is no turning back. One tries to leave and one tries to prevent it from happening. The stars sparkling in the sky uttering the mantra to encourage Scorpio from leaving the room and in that tension, Gemini able to grab the door and shut it causing the Scorpio’s one-outside-leg to slides in.

Gemini tells Scorpio that he is there for good and would be there for Scorpio as she tries to push him away. She is done she said. She is tired she said. Suddenly, Gemini pulls out a knife made of unicorn’s horn and stabbing himself right in the gut. He tells Scorpio not to panic as what he wanted to do is to gives out half of his heart, passion and love to fill in the hollow caused by cannibalistic feeling.

As Scorpio slowly putting it inside, she says that she would gives up herself Gemini but with condition. Once he commit the sin that caused Scorpio running to the door, there will be no looking back. No more.

Gemini hug her as he is in tears mark his words that it would never happen again because unlike the others who failed with other Scorpios, he was able to figure out the omen between the border of too late and just in time.

He will remember. He will commit. He will treat Scorpio with comfort, love, passion and the most important and the most essential; believe. Believing upon her, believing in the relationship, believing in forever.   

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The Chaser

There he was, recalling all the memories with a person whom he called “amour”. The flashback mix with the good and the bad ones started to make him choke because an urge of manly tears abrupt.

How he could loose her in the first place? He himself agree that in the early relationship it is about learning to understand about each other but as he learn he more, bit by bit, day by day; she decided to put off the spark.

Hence, left him with an empty dark gallows that a heart crumpled dying slowingly. He told himself to move on but the trace of her still live inside him; leaving the heart excruciatingly.

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Reminiscence

Shattered pieces in every corner of the room, tears running down the cheeks, internal devastation; one word could describe the situation, break-up. It has been a week since the torment but the pain still pinching on every possible exposed bleeding wound.

She did not nothing wrong. She did not argue. She did not cheat. She done her best.

He left.

Holding tight to his shirt, she sniff it as she misses him so much…protruding longing, hoping for the last kiss, the last hug and having him playing the skin flute for the last time. As the sobbing is getting heavier, the song of “The Loneliness” by Babyface could be heard inside the room.

The pain is excruciating. Her family and friends want to be there for her but she rather being left alone because for her, the pain could never be share..it could never be split to pieces…unlike the heart that he smashed to smithereens.

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Silence

Here I am questioning to myself whether I did something wrong in the relationship? Did I commit a sin that could jeopardize the future of two individuals who is currently deep in love with one another.

I’m trying to be the best and so does my half but sometimes the silence every time I seek whether there is something wrong from my half does makes me tried to understand her more.

Love does create crazy thoughts and actions but it is how you want to keep the spark and the relationship alive.

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These Are The Words

Narrowing to the gallows of loneliness, “Did you deter to come here on choice or force” one asked.

“No, not by choice nor force. My crying steps can’t think at this moment. It’s the rush of blood which told my body to keep on walking; slowly and gently; so the earth would not be hurt by the harsh thump” as young girl who’s heart is covered with scars attempt to jump into the dark hole…and the story end.

During the initial of the relationship, both are trying to learn and understand each other. Whether to realize that she is spoilt, dependable and keeps track of everything that resolves around or he who is still learning to be dedicated, focus upon the relationship and spend his entire time to listen everything that she says without any argue. Unfortunately, she could not handle long distance relationship. Thus, she had to let go. He: was devastated but decided to moving on with the row of pains.

In the second comeback, in fear upon that she would be afraid due to the distance; he called every fort day everyday; early morning, afternoon, late evening and a midnight call; in order to give her the assurance that he is there, beside her until she feel the non-existence of distance. Clearly, a modicum of loneliness will clutter and before she knows it, another guy knocked her heart and left the first who were struggling with few papers that ripping out his soul but yet, he survived. Being left again, he walks to the shimmering lights in the sky praying to be with her again; and this time for eternity.

When the third chapter was closing so no heartbreak would deteriorate any living being, he told her perhaps fate roaming around them to be with other people and makes them better for each other in the future. Before they knew it, again both of them fell into a deep affection but this time he play safe; he only keep the relationship in real social life; telling it to close friends and real people but for her, she wants the whole world to know as she believe sharing happiness with others is essential.

Clash of thoughts and loneliness covertly seeps into her mind by believing she is not be treat quite right create a chance for another guy to step in; whom she hide from the one who is facing excruciating endurance for his success in the future. Never once he cheat upon her; never; but she believe he is so. Hence, when her superior told her about disapproval towards him, she waited until he is over with his gruesome test to tell him about the news.

Despite the resistance of temptation, a news hovering her ear telling that he is currently cheating upon her where as he is not made her jump off to the end of the line. He listened with all hearts broken and shatter; the disapproval, the adultery; after all that he had given and sacrifice; she left.

He told her that he will wait even it takes another century while she oppose that this is the last. A beautiful relationship is not a myth to him. It does exist and in order for that to appear; mistakes, tears, heartbreaks, shatters and being hurt is the process to go through. Never he will stop hoping nor hate her in any way, that she, will be in his arms, eternally.

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Morning Wake

When you opened your eyes, the room is fill with the warmth of the sun with birds chirping in the background. Rise from bed, you look around looking for BlackBerry to login into Twitter; reading your morning social news.

Some people wake up after having a nightmare. In which, the reality blossom feast upon their eyes by the time they escape. Insisted, suddenly want to make the world a better place to live.

But most, they just can’t sleep; not because of external issue but towards things that currently play inside their mind. Majority whom suffers from heartbreak could not bear themselves to sleep because if they do, a bottle of the pill would be empty with a drinking bottle at the side.

Therefore, waking up in the morning does not usually starts someone else’s life but also ending it; in a sad way.

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Third Degree of Walking Away

Stepping into someone’s life and not leaving out footprint when you leave is just like walking along the beach expecting the waves wiping out your steps. The moment you own the person’s heart, trust and loyalty; they will take care of you like above themselves.

Every time you decide to leave, loyalty towards you that keeps them waiting; although they did tried to work out with someone else, the feeling is not the same. Hoping you will flung in their arms is their ultimate dream before anything fall upon causing the inexistence of their presence.

Third is a charm and both of you expect the relationship would last; things that blew the previous steps are been shut down. Relationship status is only for the real social circle; not Facebook;, texting and calling instead of filling each others wall plus being concern and trust each other in everyday life by getting involve and participate.

Alas, you walked out and another hopeful tears slides along the cheek. Thus, a wonder recites within their mind asking them if the act of waiting is insane, absurd and foolish. While glancing the pictures you, they said, “Acting being a fool is a easy. Waiting like crazy and looking for absurd horizon of resetting time is all in mind; but try to look strong to that person is the hardest. My heart shattered even more but letting the noise when it hit the floor from my the one I love; I won’t let them because by having my love walking away; is a chance for us to be prepare to be better for each other in the future”.

Hence, they gulp a boil of poison; hoping you would come back and kiss them so they would be conscious to make another story together; and that time, for eternity.

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La Un à Avec Être

There is nothing more that you need in this world apart from having that someone who would be by your side no matter even though they have being hurt by you dearly.

Perhaps they would want you to leave them for a short period of time while mending their heart but when the time comes, they would be the first person who would be there; holding your hand tight in their grasp, a hug that would never be let go and whisper, “It’s alright; everything would be fine. I’m here for you….”.

Upon that one moment, your heart starts to fall its tears because your eyes refuse to cry, your soul sobs because your physical being trying to look strong and your mind tirelessly finding the exact words to express your gratitude because they choose to be with you on that precise moment rather to be somewhere or to be with someone else.

The one to be with.

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Late Night

Once, I went through a silent road that I know by heart.

“I finally found her!” my heart whispered.

By the time we reach the final road, she smashed it to pieces. Enough of causing my heart went through despair and sufferings which could lead to my death whenever I miss you.

As I expected, I forfeited causing the cut bleed more because as love come and go; all it did is just leaving me all alone. Letting me live without feel the sweetness of the love itself, constantly ripping me off at the point when I need it.

For sure, by late night, I would going through flashback causing tears running. It’s the only thing that I can do aside keep on dreaming about you.

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To Love Somebody

Who says that it is easy to love someone? Who says that it is easy to going through relationship? Who says that it is easy to forget about the person you love? Who says that it is easy to move on? Who says that it is impossible to create a bond?

Loving someone isn’t just about expecting something in return from them; perhaps you might say it is about give and take; but upon self perspective, the main reason why you love someone is because you’re giving half of your heart, your soul and your entire of your hope to share it with someone who is special to you; in a way it could turn you insane in a heartbeat whenever something in the bond goes wrong.

To achieve that level of expectation; doesn’t care what that person has done to you, deep down you’re hurting but you can’t let them go as you accept their flaws more than their good quality.

And that is about truly loving a person; because the assure you that they would never let you go despite bad things that they would do behind your back; there must be a reason, although it is yet non-acceptable; you are the person of their choice; their future, your future, together.

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Crying

There would be a point in someone’s life that they could not bear all the things that being jumbled inside their chest.

They want to express it by words but sadly, there is no word which could describe and helping them to show what they want to convey. Only one option and it is the most effective way to do; cry.

Bursting our tears could help to ease all the burden, frustration, sadness or emotional burden that causing you into a fragile state. Ego aside, crying is the first thing that every human in this world did, so don’t be ashamed to do so.

Each of yours tears is priceless, so don’t let it fall down to the ground; collect it into a bile and by using the Pensive, you’ll know what is the real cause and try with all your might to fix it.

If it doesn’t, don’t be afraid to cry again.

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Ego of the Past

It has been a months since you being left; or in reality, got dump after perhaps years of relationship.

Even though you have tried to accept it but your mind keep on rejecting the fact that the person whom you cared, cherished, has left you. Then, you closed your eyes where deep down inside hoping that they would turn back, running towards you and says that it was all joke. As your eyes open, nothing change and you cried as much as you can so the pain would be flow out together with the tears.

Past is a nice place to visit but certainly not a good place to stay as you keep on looking behind; glancing through the times when you were together, flipping the memories both of you went through and reminiscing the moment where your heart whispered, “I could never leave, not to this person whom I devoting my emotion, my love, my feelings”. By doing so, the heart which already in a serious wreckage continue to crumble and the sound of glass shattering turns into a bleeding melody.

In between struggling with the pain and trying to gasping the healing air, a new person walks in and reach out their hand to save you from drowning of exhaustion. While you’re in a big mess, that person decided to halt and trying their best to fix you.

They don’t care about your past, about your story, about yourself before. All they care is to attend you, entertain your rants, your problems and comforting you despite you talk about that particular person who left you and will expect the person who currently trying to save you do the same thing; walking away.

When you’re in that particular state; two things are happening inside you.

First, insecurity issue will rise up as you are afraid the same thing would happen again despite the person; who sincerely wants to know you and keep on reassuring that they wouldn’t do the same. But since you have been traumatized by the past, you feel reluctant to do so.

Secondly, since the past still haunts your mind, it made you still hoping for that person whom left you for good; either they go to someone else or simply doesn’t love you anymore; to come back and since you think it is your mistake on the first place upon the reason they left, you will kneel in front of them, hold and grasp tightly to their legs as you hope they won’t leave you no more.

By analyzing both of the situations, you would understand the reality of what you’re actually facing and phasing through.

Due to the insecurity which currently nurturing inside, you’ll be afraid of being left again and by instinct, you will close your heart from being touched by anyone who wants to try to win you over. The saddest thing is the person who currently saving you has been shut down by you from proceed through as he is halfway there.

WHO ON THE EARTH ARE YOU BY DOING SO!?

Yes, it is about your heart and feelings but it is not your right to deny the a single person chance trying to work things out with you. Everyone in this world owns a chance and it is within their right to give their chance to a person whom they keen; which in this situation is you yourself.

When they give it to you, do keep it in a good shape and when your done evaluating them and coming to a deduction that they are not the one, return it as what being given earlier on. By denying their right, you actually stop their chance from penetrating your wall and end up torn during the process. It won’t look as what it is and in this case, you ought to be blame.

The right way is by let them to put their chance on you despite you’re not ready. But, at least you’re giving them the chance to do so and if they fail, it was worth of try; which they will not be regret.

Another issue which will arise by having you constantly looking back. Snap out of it because the thing that you dream isn't going to happen. They won’t come back! What you’re experiencing are known as “Post-Relationship Ego” where you keep on seeing you’re still in the relationship and that person only walks away for a moment which at the same time believing they would come back plus believing it is not happening; that it is not real.

Thus, you don’t care if a person try to win you over because mentally, emotionally and psychologically, you’re crazy, obsessed and living in a dream. The trauma actually hallucinate you from seeing the real thing in which you will keep on dreaming about it until you decide to wake up.

The best way to get out of it is by giving the person who is trying really hard; putting so much effort to prove to you that they worth it; a chance.

And trust me, you will never feel the same way again.

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Drop of Tears

“I don’t think it will work between us” as she uttered those words to me.

“We’re different in a way that I myself couldn’t possibly understand it. You’re a good guy and perhaps the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. The problem is not you but it’s me. You’re far from me and everyday I’m struggling with curious feeling about you’re cheating behind my back…” as my tears started to welling. My hand was shaking in devastation by every words that came out between her lips; those lips that I used to kiss.

“I think it is not fair for you for having a girlfriend which keep on thinking bad things about you and it is unfair for my emotion to face it every single day in the silence of night” and she stopped; due her voice started to choke.

“I really love you and I do but at the same time I felt this feeling starting to fade because you are not here to assure, comfort me that you’ll stay and be on my side. Please, do forgive me upon what I’m doing right now is totally wrong and perhaps beyond cruel but I need to say this……” just by listening to those words, I burst into tears and I tried hard to control my voice so that she wouldn’t notice but from the end of the line, she burst out.

“Good bye…” were the last words he said to me before she hung up the phone.

Deep in my mind, I asked myself, “Why now”? and for the next of the remaining days between the exam period and the holiday, I’ve became “not me”.

Emotion and psychological burden upon what has happened has put me in nervous and emotional breakdown. I could not concentrate upon my studies because my mind would linger around my memories about her.

I kept on crying day by day every time I thought about her or seeing all those stuff that she gave me; a bottle of her perfume and one of her clothes which still have her scent. Just by looking at those, I’ll be stuck in the remaining memories and could not get out until I kill each one of memory at a time.

Perhaps we’re not meant to be together but it doesn’t stop the fact that we love each other and keep on making me feel the hope of being together again.

Being together……again.

Need of A Second Heartbeat

It was a chill morning as I walk to the park and look down upon the brown pavement as my mind was clenching to my memory’s Pandora. Remember? We used to be here every weekend; spending a day just to ourselves, holding each other’s hand and talk about what both of us had been gone through.

We would walk slowly as we don’t want to miss every second that has passed by. The bench which we would usually sit always there; waiting for us as I would lean to your side, holding your arms and we would just sat there; no words, no sound. Just you and I, sitting there in silence.

But it remain as memories for you have left me without telling what I did wrong for paying the price of loosing you.

I grabbed,hold on and told you that I won’t let you go as you meant everything to me; for I cried and the heat of my tears touches your skin. Never, as I far as I can remember that I did something which could hurt you in a way that you made you left me.

“That feeling, those passion, the love towards you; I feel no more. You’re such a good person; you are; but I can’t force myself to love you when I don’t anymore as it would be cruel for me to do so. I hope that one day, you will be with a person who love you more than I did and you deserve a person more than I am” for those words stroke my bleeding heart, tearing up a hole deep to my soul.

Months has passed since my heartbeat stopped as I swipe the dead leaves on the ground with my left foot, thus leaving a trace. That very trace that I keep clear in my heart as I don’t want it being cover by the healing that I’m currently going through; hoping that you will come back and clean the bleeding wound as I will definitely want my heart to beat again.

That second heartbeat; you.

Pieces of Shimmering Light

You’ve been thrown, you’ve been pushed, you’ve been left, you’ve been dump, you’ve been crushed, you’ve been smashed, you’ve been torn, you’ve been beaten, you’ve been heartbroken, you’ve been used; thus making you less than what you were during your perfect moment, that now, has been turn into smithereens.

No trace of memories; even a bit of a cherish moment; all, has been disappeared.

Therefore, it is hard for you to accept someone who would want to undo all those pain; because you afraid that they will do much more worse damages, that they will do the same thing as the previous and that they will just come by for a while and left without a word.

But do know, be realize that each new person who want to know us deserve at least chance to be with us because everyone around us has the right to have one.

When they give you their chance, don’t push it away. Instead, accept it and keep it safe. If you see that it would not work, give it back to them as they can go to other and seeking the space of chance. If they give you for the second time, then it is your right to put in into a decision. Because first time is an obligation, the second time is an option.

As you who are already giving your chance to that person, don’t go flirting around because you have no more chance as an offer to others; as yours has been kept by the person whom you choose earlier.

In the end, those lights may not shine your space but at least those piece of chance shines your heart.

When I say “I do”

When I say “I do”,

It means that I will always love you no matter what; to face challenge that instill for us, the pain that I will go through, the chance that time would make us apart; my heart will always whisper your name, singing your smile and kissing our memories.

When I say “I do”,

I promise that I will keep you from harm, that I will wrapped my arms around you to make you feel safe, to assure you that everything will be fine and to I will hold you tight if as long as you want.

When I say “I do”,

It means I will not walk away despite what things that I will hear about you, even though you would want to create a distance between us; I will stay.

When I say “I do”,

My life, my soul and my heart will be own by you; you have the right to cherish your love to it or to smash it into small pieces if you think that I don’t deserve you no more.

When I say “I do”,

Lock this words in a wooden box, burry it deep in the ground, don’t ever look for it, erase the place in your mind and don’t remember it because these words, these beautiful lexis is only for you, to you and only you as this feeling would die, as I go.

Letting Go

There is a saying, “If you love the person, let them go. If they meant for you, they will come back but if they’re not, they never will" which resolve around giving up hope for the love one to come back in your arms.

But another saying stated otherwise, “An ex is just like a book that you has finished read. You already knew the ending so why you want to read it for the second time?”.

Therefore, it will eventually make us stumble upon two pathway. The first pathway reflects the hope that buried deep in our heart. No matter how much our ex break it, smash it into pieces; we keep on giving them chances because we love them much; too much till we don’t look back of their wrong doing to us because what we want right now, the only thing, at that moment…..is them.

Another pathway lead to keep us from looking backward and reminiscent the sweet moment which we have to leave behind. Despite they regretted on what they did to you, nothing that they do from the start they chasing you from the forest till the meet of the pathway; they’ll knee on the ground, looking at you moving forward while they at the other end crying. You cried too…..while walking along the path, the tears can’t stop itself from dripping at the end of your cheek but you walk, keep on walking, not looking back because if you do; they will see the tears and if they do, two things would happen.

It is either they will chase and grab you; and big chances are you’ll be on the first pathway; or walking away from you and deep in their heart they laugh because being able to put your tears turn to small droplets of glass and shatter when it reaches to the ground.

Each person in this world would want their relationship could last till their last breath; not a puppy love relationship but a relationship where deep in your heart whisper, “That’s the one…..whom able to make me smile just by listen to their voice, the person whom able to made me cry just by tiny mistake, the one whom reassured me that I’m good enough to be own by someone”.

And it is not just for couple whom are in a relationship but also referring when you confessed your true feeling towards that someone but got nothing in return. They just sitting there and said, “Owh….thank you.”. No action, no answer to your confession. Do they like you? Do they hate you? Do they still treat you the same? Those questions keep on playing in your mind.

It kept you waiting and keep on waiting until at one moment your heart said, “This is it. No more of painful waiting….. Come, lets move on.” and you too end up at the pathways.

We rather let fate to give us the answer where as it is us who suppose to made the decision ourselves.

But what we can do?

We are trapped between the pathways.