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Leaving 2013

Challenges can appear in many shapes and forms. Most people could endure the physical obstacles, have bruises all over their body and yet, they still survive. Some people could be torture intensively yet the firm believe that they possess would never change or to be alter. But when it is about emotional challenges, no one could survive entirely from being suck into its monstrous whirl. If you do survive, you will be barely able to breath as it suffocates by filling your lungs with all the problems you have. If you do survive, in a way it does not kill you. Instead, it will make you stronger.

Universally, everyone are afraid of loss. Afraid of loosing something which have a sentimental value to you is one thing. When we realize that we lost it, we would turn the earth upside down because during that moment, thoughts is running in our head. We try to ease ourselves by saying we might perhaps misplace it and at the same time all the sentimental memories are replaying in your mind.

How about if you loose a best friend, a true friend and a lover in one blow? Could your emotion could cope and bear with the cancerous pain that you have go throughout the year? Apology and reconciliation could make a difference but what if the other side refuse to accept the sincerity? And sometimes you have to accept things would not be the same as it was.

Thus, approaching new year, leave those bitter memories behind but bring hope and faith with you because possibilities of those persons returning into your life is still there. Only now, you have to use going through your life in the new chapter without them in the mean time. They will be back, they will return and when they do, they will stick and stay around forever.

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Isolation Of A Confounded Heart

Nobody's perfect, we screw up, we make mistakes, have heartbreaks, go through hard times but you need to know that this is life. Nothing comes easy, no relationship last years without terrible fights, there is no better partner who could understand you better without making a terrible mistake to you in the first place and there is no happiness without sacrifices.

It is easy to give up. It is easy to walk away. It is easy to face yourself to the corner.It is easy to tear someone’s heart. It is easy to disappear without any explanation. Everything seems easy to be done, dodging the problem, avoiding the reason and running away from the root cause.

There will be a period where you will be at your lowest point and you will push away all of those people who are meant a lot to you; your lover, best friends and others. You will be in your own world questioning everything that happen and resolve around you. Depression makes you isolated. It's very hard to think of other people when you're wrapped in a prickly blanket of sadness and all you can think about is your own pain.

The one whom will be affected the most is indeed your partner. When he tries to call, you refuse to answer. When he text, you refuse to reply. When he want to be closer, you push him away. He is doing all his best within all his might; ignoring his time, studies, friends even taking care of himself; as he is very worry about you. He keep on telling himself that perhaps it is all is his fault; a fault that you never mention, say or explain; letting him alone being eaten by his own mind. He never pointed out to you and say it is your fault; never; because to him, his wrong doing more terrible. Thus, he feels that he is not qualify enough to blame anyone, especially to the person he loves.

The only thing that he wishes is listening to your voice, grasp your hand, kiss it and pull you into his arms telling you everything is going to be fine, keeping on apologizing for a mistake that he not known of. He loves you very much and he could not more endure so much pain of being pushed away by the girl that he loves. Ignoring it all, he is closer than you think but keeping his distance afraid of you might running away to a place that he is not aware.

As you are keeping on searching and knowing about yourself, he is patiently waiting at the other end, keeping on fighting all the possibilities that he might loose you and keeping on holding to himself that both will be finally reunited together, forever.

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Wiping The Tears

Tears is different from a cry. You can cry without tears but you could burst to tears without crying. This is due to mix feelings that implore within us that could not make it justify as sadness, happiness or bitter some; the emotion plays the role.

When there is no words to describe it, only tears could express what we feel inside; either in front of public or alone in the room; and it is best comes with a hug from the person whom we are care about.

Feelings of being betrayed, sensation of joyfulness or being angry to someone all can be express by this one simple expression but hard to show it out since people perceive tears as a weak epitome but for those who understand, it is a sign of strength and the willingness to show what you feel deep down inside.

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Boxing Day

When you receive my heart, promise me to take care it well. Uplift it with care as it is more fragile than a flake of snow. Unwrap it with care as you might scratch the surface. Do place it up high in your heart so it won’t be reach by anyone who want to penetrate into your heart and destroys mine.

When you own my heart, bring it always with you no matter the place, time and situation. Please do be reminded that I am yours and it is your responsibility to keep it shiny, clean and beautiful during your possession. Never let it go; no matter what would happen; never let it go.

When you returning my heart, make sure that it is in a good shape just like what I gave it to you before; no stains, no crack and no scratch. If you are returning it in pieces, do collect all those pieces including the fine ones, put in a box and return it to me. No matter what happen, for me, this heart..this empty lonely heart always belongs to you.

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Closing My Eyes On Christmas

As I woke up in the morning and looking through my window, white flakes of snow dropping from the sky, I knew right away it is Christmas morning. But the excitement that always jumping inside me is no where to be found. It is like the Dementors are there right at the side, sucking out the happiness from me.

I’m unable to get out from the bed because I don’t want to. I want you to be here hugging me from behind, snuggling and cuddling with me on the sheets. Never leave the bed unless we are hungry.

Those were my Christmas wish…before you left without telling me the reason behind it. Many times I called and text, you did not pick up nor reply. I keep on asking for giving us another chance, no answer. You let me daggling from one snow flakes to another waiting for it to fall to the ground and letting me to get burry underneath it; letting me go to see Him with unanswered questions.

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Holding Breath

You ran to win his heart. You pretended that you are not interested when he read your hint. You are together with him after he convinced that both of you would not be apart. Hands held tight, lips touched and by each second, both of your body getting closer and closer until became one.

Listening to his voice for hours, staring deeply into his dark hazel eyes, running through your fingers through his hair and laid on his chest for the entire day listening to his heart beat were the only best things upon how you wanted to spend your day; with him.

He said he is done; with you, with the relationship, with everything; he is completely done. You begged, you cried, you hope and prayed that he will turn back and run to you but the more you look to the horizon, the more he is getting further and farther from your sight.

Out of tears, your chest inhale and exhale rapidly, confusion, regrets and all emotions sipping through your mind. As you tried to hold your breath, you keep on saying to yourself that you are strong enough to face this. But as a mere mortal, we could hold our breath long enough. You loose it; breath exhale…together with tears and sobbing.

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Lips and Heart

There will come to a point where the relationship seems redundant in one’s eyes. They thought it is not worth it to be in it; wasting their time thinking over matters that put their heart in a fragile situation, making them feels vulnerable inside.

Hence, they decided to leave but before doing so, they go up to you and speak out their mind but upon what they might say it is not entirely true. They said to you that they are leaving but their heart stay; believing in chances that they do not want to tell you because they afraid you will screw with their heart and emotions again.

You simply does not have any idea upon what it is going on but you told them that you will keep on fighting to make the relationship works and there you are, ten months standing still.

Silently, their heart does still care, missing you, loving you and hoping that you will change. You might crack their heart with you unintentional action and burst their trust when you do something stupid; but they are still there waiting for you to make amends, to make them feel appreciated and to make them feel loved.

Their lips might say they are done but their heart does not.

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When You Have Someone Else

When you have someone else, do tell me. Don’t hide it. Don’t avoid it. Truth hurts but at least I know there is someone that could make you feel happier compare to me. Do love her as you love me, do take good care of her as you take good care of me and do appreciate her as upon how you appreciate me.

When you have someone else, I won’t blame you for everything for what has happened. I know there is a reason upon why you did it and without you uttering it, I know it was me because you will not go to someone else if you are happy with me on the first place.

When you have someone else, do not avoid me. Let us sit down and talk and tell me everything upon why you are unhappy with our relationship. I will listen to you relentlessly, tirelessly listening to each words, each diction, each sentences. Be clean,clear and explain thoroughly to me what I did wrong so I would take it as a self lesson.

When you have someone else, don’t ever left me hanging. Because if you do, I will become aimless as I have no one to be depend upon. From there, I’ll die of suffocation since my air to breath is no where to be found.

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Pandemonium of Melee

As she walks swiftly along the park, her mind is in worry. For the past few days, he did not called nor picking up the phone. She tries to comfort herself by thinking perhaps he is busy with his new job that made him landed on the bed by the time he reaches home.

Yet, with fifty seven calls that either ended up in his voicemail and on his screen notification; only once he replied to her call and the conversation barely last a moment. She misses him so much; too much that she drowned in the deep longing pit.

Inside, she is deteriorating but she is still keep on fighting. All the words that he said; about he is done with the relationship; really causing her heart to bleed and each second that passes by, the pain grows. But she believe that the relationship can be save.

She begged him to stay as she is trying to rectify herself; being better for him but he keep on ignoring her believing that she will not be. Alas, he was right. It was only one mistake and he throw piles of guilt to her. She seeks for forgiveness as she is just an ordinary girl who will make mistake. A mistake that she had done without her realizing it and he says he is done.

No more sign of her existence in his book but she knows that he is not entirely leaving her because she still can feel his presence in her heart…in her mind. As she keep on trying to prove him that she is trying to be better, trying to be a better partner for him but she worries that mistake would happen again; thus costing her loosing him for good.

He does still care, he does still love and he do but he would not show it as he would feel afraid that she will take him just for granted. Deep down inside, he does not leave as he will keep on watching her from afar. He loves her and he will keep on stay but he needs her to prove that she is worth it to have him and by looking upon her effort, it will be decide solely by himself.

As for her, she does not want him to leave. She just wanted him to be there right beside her, grasping her hands saying that everything will be fine; and it will.

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Dim Light

Nine more days to Christmas. Shopping malls are fill with people doing their present shopping and to ensure they got the best gift for their love ones. But in the spirit of Christmas, it is not just about giving someone whom you care and love expensive stuff.

It is about the moment that you spend with them from the start till 25th December. Decorating the Christmas tree, making plans together for Christmas eve and spending quality time together by taking a week of leave from work; that is what matters.

Sometimes, it is about being truthful towards each other before Christmas because you want to celebrate it with a clean slate. None to hide, nothing to be scare of. It might be the worst gift before Christmas; sincerity; but it depends upon how you would accept it.

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True Friends

Everyone need companionship. Everyone needs friends. A friend who accept them as they are; despite anything bad related about you; they still accept you as you are and in return, you accept them as they are, for whom they are. No judgment.

When they know something which could break your heart to pieces; they just keep it to themselves because they don’t bear to see you getting hurt because of you; despite the devil is someone else. Perhaps for you, it is a type of hypocrisy but they actually have a good reason for not to.

Though thick  and thin; they will be there. Despite distance and challenges, they would free up their time for you, not looking up upon free time to spend with you. These are the people who would you depend on at your most vulnerable moment. Keep them, cherish them. Do not ever waste them nor taking them for granted. A good a friend is a good soul.

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Heavy Breath

There will be that moment you have done everything. There will be that moment where you feel tired. There will be that moment that you feel you want to give up. There will be that moment where you feel just want to close your eyes.

So you lean to a wall, inhale your breath with all your might. You hold to it long enough until you feel your chest burns and with one blow, you exhale all the burden out from your mind..from your body.

You thought it clatters around but all of them are standing still in front of you; await the is right moment to slip inside you and keep to put on those weight to your chest. There is no easy way out. The only way to destroy it is to face and solve it; with the right way, a satisfaction could be achieve.

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Pensée Profonde

There is a say, “A relationship consist of two lovers and other people who want to see it end”. It fills with nowadays truth as a relationship is mostly about people’s perception. If they do not like the relationship or even the girlfriend or the boyfriend; they would make a whisper from the other side; encouraging one of them to pull the plug.

That is where deep thought put into place; one connected to the heart and another line to the mind. Initially, ask yourself upon the reason why you are in a relationship in the first place? Is it because of chemistry? Is it because of you are lonely? Is it because you are touched of their effort wanting to be with you?

These are among of questions that should running through your mind but choose only one. Not two, not three; because it will jumble up your thoughts, sending your heart to a complicated dilemma.

Ironically, when you are actually making a decision yourself, some people see this as an opportunity and most of this people live within your social circle who loath seeing you with your partner and prefer you to end up to a person up to their choice; not yours.

Those are the people who keep on telling you that your partner is not the one, that they only fooling around with your feelings and telling bad qualities of the person whom you love, whom you care. And what would you do when that happens? Just stand there and do nothing? No, you stood up for your lover and telling them that it is about your relationship and the relationship is solely yours, not them.

Consequences when you let their words to your thought could affect your heart greatly; it kills….it kills the feeling you have to the person whom you love. From there, you will forget why you are with them on the first place, upon the reason you want to stay, diluting the chemistry between both of you and it will lead to a irreversible decision, thus might lead to a greater suffer not just to you but your partner as well.

And when it happens, those people whom dislike the relationship will clap their hand as sign of victory while both of you slowly dying in a pain full of longings towards each other.

Ending this, do stay with your partner despite the challenges by feelings, people around you and the fright thought of loosing. Communicate, understand each other and do not ever leave; no matter what. If you do that, if you commit to your partner, happiness will be waiting at the end of the road.

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A Cry of A Gemini

A Scorpio once said, “I’m afraid of a lot of things but mostly, most sincerely, I’m afraid of being unraveled by you and you finding nothing you want in here.”

For Gemini, these words have a lot of meaning behind it. First, it shows that how Scorpio have the fear of loosing someone that she loves and in many occasion to other Scorpios, they let this feeling slips inside and causing it to grow every time the insecure rises.

Thus, it leads to the love towards their partner starting to fade slowly to oblivion. Without their acknowledgement, the lost of love and passion is just pseudo. It is not washed away because of Scorpio herself but merely by the existence of cannibalistic cut, insecurity and jealousy.

Secondly, a Scorpio will try as best as she could, with all her might to make the relationship to work out. But sometimes, in the initial stage of the relationship, their partner still try to catch up upon the unique complexity of a Scorpio, until by the time their already figure it out, Scorpio runs out through the door assuming that she failed them due to the partner did not show to her a symbol, a sign or an expression of worthiness and galore to having her as their half.

Despite all of the perception made by Scorpio, a Gemini could see it through because one gift a Gemini have are the ability to foresee what will happen, the gift of an excellent analytical emotionize thinking and the strength of going through a very delicate moment. So as Scorpio winding her way to apt of endless, Gemini pulled her hand and lay her on his back while Gemini struggling thorough the streams of hopeless end.

He never give up upon of what he believes in despite the other stars telling Scorpio that it would not work; that the gravity pull will loose its tension upon the believe of love. As Scorpio like to keep things that hurting her to herself, she will never conceal it to others except for Gemini; but in an indirectly way. If Gemini could read the sign or if he unable to, it is totally up to him. Scorpio would not tell him no matter how worst the situation has become.

Therefore, a Gemini would fall into a slump and on that instant, Scorpio would let go her arms around Gemini’s neck and make a run through the open door. But a dearly Gemini knows it. By using his determination, his foot make a leap using the pit wall and land just right in front of the door and almost bump into her where one foot of Scorpio have step out of the door.

There is no turning back. One tries to leave and one tries to prevent it from happening. The stars sparkling in the sky uttering the mantra to encourage Scorpio from leaving the room and in that tension, Gemini able to grab the door and shut it causing the Scorpio’s one-outside-leg to slides in.

Gemini tells Scorpio that he is there for good and would be there for Scorpio as she tries to push him away. She is done she said. She is tired she said. Suddenly, Gemini pulls out a knife made of unicorn’s horn and stabbing himself right in the gut. He tells Scorpio not to panic as what he wanted to do is to gives out half of his heart, passion and love to fill in the hollow caused by cannibalistic feeling.

As Scorpio slowly putting it inside, she says that she would gives up herself Gemini but with condition. Once he commit the sin that caused Scorpio running to the door, there will be no looking back. No more.

Gemini hug her as he is in tears mark his words that it would never happen again because unlike the others who failed with other Scorpios, he was able to figure out the omen between the border of too late and just in time.

He will remember. He will commit. He will treat Scorpio with comfort, love, passion and the most important and the most essential; believe. Believing upon her, believing in the relationship, believing in forever.   

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Away of A Heart

By the moment you knew what is love, people keep on telling you to do not jump into relationship; and from there they started to give you numerous tragic love story to scare you off as if the relationship is some kind of disease.

This is what you thought until we end up being hurt; as the option to leave the relationship is not in your matter, is not in your say, is not in your decision; when they choose to walk away, the would walk away.

You did everything you could to restrain them to walk away, but all failed. They think you could be better without them, but the truth is, you don’t. Every time, we keep on thinking about them, it distract us from the everything that we do. Our concentration is not with us, it is with them; which they bring it along and it cost you unable to focus upon what you did.

That is why you keep on holding on, even they said their say but you said it is not over. It is a simply a giving up from the other side and it is upon you to return the hope back to its place. Actions needs to be put, effort being put on and hopes that does not fail.

They would return and by then, they will stay for good.

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White December

It is the month where we wait for snow to cover the grounds, covering the trees and grounds, putting a white layer of new earth to the mountain and thus making the world to look pure as no stains could mess its white.

As beautiful as might be, sometimes it makes us feel uneasy as the its getting thicker and thicker for us to finish our day. From there, no more wish for snow, everyone will seems to ask it to leave but it will keep on coming; until the winter ends.

Thus, for ourselves who always keep on say bad things about others; even it is true; we cannot hold it to do not shown up; it is apart of someone. Perhaps it would bring to a crisis but accept them as who they are and they will accept you as what you are; not two thumbs are the same.

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Dear December

Dear December,

 

When you came by the stroke of midnight, I’m welcoming you with open hearts because for me you are the most special month for me. Forget about Christmas, forget about the presents, forget about the snow, forget about the candies forget about Santa because December, all I wish is only one thing; for this year end with a happy ending.

 

There were a lot of heartbreaking, a lot of tears, a lot of difficulties, a lot of challenge and a lot of uncertainties faced me this year and I’m tired….I’m tired to go through it all. But when you came, you give me the strength to continue and to pursue my dream and to take care the ones whom I love.

 

Although I could feel there is a distance between him and I and somehow he try to avoid me; up until I wonder throughout the day either he is alright? Is he good? Is he okay? No text, no calls for days. Yet, I’m still here hoping you could use your December magic to make us like before; talking for hours in the phone, text unlimitedly, calling each other unexpectedly and the most important thing are knowing he smiles in the end of the line and uttering the word “I love you too”.

 

Despite there are more days to come before the year end, I’m looking forward upon how you would end it; either with happiness, sadness, joy or despair; I am waiting for it.