Sweet and Bitter

Looking throughout the calendar made you realize that you will be leaving the year of 2011 less than 48 hours and from here, your mind would play all those flashbacks, memories and moments that you experienced; thus made a conclusion of what type of year that you’re went through.

Sweet memories are the easiest to be forgotten as we take it for granted because we believe that the precious moments will continue; obtained a good result in academic, have a fantastic social life and a great lover; which in the end, made you forgot that the dark, bitter memories are just waiting on the other side.

Memories gradually dimmed as the only memory that we can recall, which literally lived in our mind are the memories which made you cried, suffocate, could not made you think and having a terrible nervous breakdown covering the smile earlier on.

Here, you would know the year of 2011 is your good year or a year which makes you quite scare to face 2012. If it does, lock it in a Pandora’s box, walk along the smoldering pathway, walk towards the front and don’t ever look back.

As for myself, I want wish you guys a goodbye for 2011 and welcoming the year of 2012 and I hope I could do better; not just for me but to you guys; my faithful friends and readers

Happy New Year.

I Miss You, My Dear Ex

Seems that it has been months since we broke up but it’s still fresh in my mind. No, I’m not remembering the moment when you broke up with me but I reminiscing the beautiful memories that we once had, that we once shared.

My favourite part? It’s when we just kiss and hug each other in an empty room, waiting for you early in the morning just to touch your lips and saying the “3 words, 8 letters” to you.

Now, I missed being kiss and the care about someone whom I cared a lot more than myself; spending a lot for the phone just to make sure that you’re fine each day; sacrificed my time listening to you, about us, about insecure you are when I’m not there, about me having another “you”; but I assured you that you are my only, my words, my dedication, my commitments, my attention and my love; is only for you and you.

As I keeping my promises, you walk away; leaving me shedding with tears, as my heart tore apart and shattered to fine pieces in which it is impossible to be put together again.

As I keeping myself together, you enjoy your single life whilst keeping on saying that there’s no more love towards me which caused thousand of shards went straight deep into my bleeding heart.

As I beg, cried, asked and pled, you don’t even look back and say something to make me stand. Instead, you told me to forget about you, wash away all of our memories and get a new you.

As it is may seems easy for you to say those words and it is hard for me to do; I keep on waiting, keep on holding on and safe an empty space in my heart just for you; in case you would run coming back to me with those kisses and hug again.

My White Christmas Present

Dear Santa,

I’m sorry that you received the letter at the bottom of the chimney. I have been behaving really good this year as my wish this year is rather demanding. Could bring the one whom I love as my gift; not less, not more?

It has been almost a year when my love walk away and feeling towards me started to fade; thus, decided to left me in the aisle of snow.

There won’t be eggnogs by the cozy fire. There won’t be glasses of mold wine either. There won’t be a Christmas tree because my dear are not here to light it up with me.

Santa, won’t you bring my baby back to me cause I miss my love so dearly. I haven’t send my dear a Christmas card cause we are not really apart and seeing the Christmas stocking is as empty as my heart.

My love and I do speak to each other but not our heart. It’s hard delivering all those feelings, emotions and passion into one single text every time. I need my dear to be in front of me; going back to the time before my love left me.

Dear Santa’s Siri,

Please do remind him to drop over to my room and bring my love to me. Tell Santa that one of my wish is to turn the time a year ago so I could cherish the last moment with my love and when my dear leave me at that moment; there will be no regret.

As you can understand how I feel, Siri, do say to my love that I miss him and tell my dear what has change since we are apart because if my love’s answer is “None,” so my dear love still into me because things change since we broke up.

Only you that can feel every words that I utter every time I miss my dear love and you won’t let me cry because you will keep on reminding me to do not stop to love as it will kill me if I do.

Lastly Siri, please do tell Santa if he couldn’t send my dearly as my present; do put you instead beside my table bed so I have someone to talk to about my dearly love.

As my day would start by saying, “Dear Siri, how’s my love today?”.

Need of A Second Heartbeat

It was a chill morning as I walk to the park and look down upon the brown pavement as my mind was clenching to my memory’s Pandora. Remember? We used to be here every weekend; spending a day just to ourselves, holding each other’s hand and talk about what both of us had been gone through.

We would walk slowly as we don’t want to miss every second that has passed by. The bench which we would usually sit always there; waiting for us as I would lean to your side, holding your arms and we would just sat there; no words, no sound. Just you and I, sitting there in silence.

But it remain as memories for you have left me without telling what I did wrong for paying the price of loosing you.

I grabbed,hold on and told you that I won’t let you go as you meant everything to me; for I cried and the heat of my tears touches your skin. Never, as I far as I can remember that I did something which could hurt you in a way that you made you left me.

“That feeling, those passion, the love towards you; I feel no more. You’re such a good person; you are; but I can’t force myself to love you when I don’t anymore as it would be cruel for me to do so. I hope that one day, you will be with a person who love you more than I did and you deserve a person more than I am” for those words stroke my bleeding heart, tearing up a hole deep to my soul.

Months has passed since my heartbeat stopped as I swipe the dead leaves on the ground with my left foot, thus leaving a trace. That very trace that I keep clear in my heart as I don’t want it being cover by the healing that I’m currently going through; hoping that you will come back and clean the bleeding wound as I will definitely want my heart to beat again.

That second heartbeat; you.

Much Into You

I like ‘clingy’ people. I love it when people are affectionate with me. I like when they always invite me places, text or call me. I wouldn’t mind if they blew up my facebook wall with hearts and what not. I would rather have that person than someone who makes me text them first all the time and replies back like 20 minutes later.

- Cheska

Pieces of Shimmering Light

You’ve been thrown, you’ve been pushed, you’ve been left, you’ve been dump, you’ve been crushed, you’ve been smashed, you’ve been torn, you’ve been beaten, you’ve been heartbroken, you’ve been used; thus making you less than what you were during your perfect moment, that now, has been turn into smithereens.

No trace of memories; even a bit of a cherish moment; all, has been disappeared.

Therefore, it is hard for you to accept someone who would want to undo all those pain; because you afraid that they will do much more worse damages, that they will do the same thing as the previous and that they will just come by for a while and left without a word.

But do know, be realize that each new person who want to know us deserve at least chance to be with us because everyone around us has the right to have one.

When they give you their chance, don’t push it away. Instead, accept it and keep it safe. If you see that it would not work, give it back to them as they can go to other and seeking the space of chance. If they give you for the second time, then it is your right to put in into a decision. Because first time is an obligation, the second time is an option.

As you who are already giving your chance to that person, don’t go flirting around because you have no more chance as an offer to others; as yours has been kept by the person whom you choose earlier.

In the end, those lights may not shine your space but at least those piece of chance shines your heart.

Dear Cheesecake

As we open our eyes, we saw each other laying side by side in a yellow field. You smile while grabbing my left finger and you insert a ring made by a rye straw. Our eyes met and in the deep stare, it portrays, “Let me, hold me, trust me, keep me, love me”.

I take your right hand, held it close to my chest. Do you feel it; every single beat of my heart? In which a reply to the beautiful stare, “Be with me, don’t let go, don’t let it shatter to pieces, keep it safe; as I love you too”.

I hope you’re stepping into my life for only one reason; to fulfill the dream that your heart attempt to do in the previous relationship and getting me who feels the same as you are; wondering in the world that we created by ourselves, getting to understand and telling each other to live our expectation.

Perhaps it may not last, perhaps a splinter will hurt us badly and perhaps, in a sudden, we will lost.

But take my words; as it cost every single of my breath to do so; I will let ‘us’ to happen, I am prepare for myself to be hurt, protect you from any harm; in the exchange of your and our happiness.

Every word I said is true; this, I promise you.

Bliss of A Kiss That I Miss

It has been days that I haven’t seen you around. I reach out for my phone to read your morning text; the first thing that I do every time I wake up.

“No new text messages”.

Thus, I would throw the phone gently to my side and having a nice warm shower before I go out and start my day. As I was putting my shirt on, I heard a beep from my phone; hurriedly pulling down the shirt, I jump to my bed and it bounce causing the phone flying into the mid air but astoundingly, I quickly grasp and able to wrapped around my fingers to it just in time.

“Taylor, I know you’re missing your love dearly much. If you want company, I’ll go to your place and we’ll talk, alright?” a text from Rory fading the enthusiastic smile from my face.

As I walk down to the streets, I reminiscing our memory every time we would walk to school together. There, at that small bushes three houses away from mine, you would hide and tried scare me off every morning. Even though you don’t surprise me anymore because you keep doing it every day, I’ll be eager to wait you to jump out from the bushes and keep on saying that you surprised me although you knew that I did not.

Then it happen.

The morning kiss; the kiss that I’ve been waited since the last kiss in the previous day. You kiss me softly on the lips as our hand held each other and end it with a deep stare in each other eyes while our nose touches.

I open my eyes, realizing that I’m still at the sidewalk with my bicycle at my side, peeping behind the bushes hoping you are there but you’re not. As I strode along, I remember that you would hold my hand on the other side of the bike and starting our silly morning talk.

I smile to myself as I remember every words that you said that made me smile and deep I my heart, every beat, with every breath that I took, with all my might, it whispers “I love you, very much….until death torn us apart”.

Until death torn us apart…….

Here I arrived, upon your grave my love. Tears start to drop from my eyes….I know that you don’t want to see me cry but I can’t help it, baby. I miss you…I really miss you…..I do. I sob so hard…until I couldn’t catch and inhale my breath.

Why do you have to leave before me, baby? Just because you pushed me away from that truck, does not mean that it you have to die for me.

Now who would give me a morning text every day? Who would wait me patiently behind those bushes?

And who would give me those blissful kiss other than your lips?

If you would live for another day, even for a minute, I would kiss you softly and gently on the lips and hoping that it would be us to be put on rest; together.

When I say “I do”

When I say “I do”,

It means that I will always love you no matter what; to face challenge that instill for us, the pain that I will go through, the chance that time would make us apart; my heart will always whisper your name, singing your smile and kissing our memories.

When I say “I do”,

I promise that I will keep you from harm, that I will wrapped my arms around you to make you feel safe, to assure you that everything will be fine and to I will hold you tight if as long as you want.

When I say “I do”,

It means I will not walk away despite what things that I will hear about you, even though you would want to create a distance between us; I will stay.

When I say “I do”,

My life, my soul and my heart will be own by you; you have the right to cherish your love to it or to smash it into small pieces if you think that I don’t deserve you no more.

When I say “I do”,

Lock this words in a wooden box, burry it deep in the ground, don’t ever look for it, erase the place in your mind and don’t remember it because these words, these beautiful lexis is only for you, to you and only you as this feeling would die, as I go.

Fear of Love and Commitment

When we’re falling in love, we can sense it. Our heart beats rapidly, our cheeks blush, we keep on smiling every time we remember about that person, heart jumps out of joy even when received a text despite it is just one word; we don’t mind all of that because we’re in love.

But what if that person likes us too?

Perhaps some of them would have a happy ending and starting a new journey with their love one but what about some of them who would not escalate to the next level?

This is because they are afraid of the expectation that they want in the relationship. Some of them are afraid because of one’s differences; age, culture and background; and some are afraid of being hurt again. Let me tell you. It is not because of the these reason that makes you fear of commitment.

By all mean, the main reason is not your fear towards love but your fear towards being abandon.

When we are in a relationship, we depend towards our partner to give the feeling of being need, a sense of belonging, kinship and assurance. With all that, we feel that we are complete; no matter what will happen to you next, as long they are there, you feel happy.

Hence, when they are gone, you will not receive those pleasure anymore in which will cause a side effect because this pleasure is addictive; but lacking or loosing it will create a ‘loss’ deep in the heart.

Those are the expectation that every person wants, it’s the content of love that they want to feel, it’s the significant of the relationship they want to adhere.

Once we have it, we don’t want to loose it but what if it does?

This question is the main reason why you could not move on with your past relationship and at the same time the valid reason why you do not want to love again.

Differences comes in various shape which will influence the decision that we are not suppose to do on the first place.

Age perhaps would be a factor but one thing about age that it change; it’s just a figure. Even though you’re 16 and he’s 24, feelings cannot be put aside especially when both of you like each other. Even if you try to do so, it will kill you because both of your heart already become one and to make it apart would just create bleeding when you try to rip it apart.

Self different background might haunt your mind. In a relationship you hope that it will last, until marriage but what if he’s from different part of the world different religion, different lifestyle. Perhaps he would want to change just for you but it’s for you; not for your religion, not for your culture, not for your world. And it would be hurtful trying to see him coping with all these new things.

You might say that both of you could end up to become a couple but when your end expectation of the relationship is marriage, you decline to utter “yes” due to the reason, according to you, that both of you will not end up with each other. Therefore, it will cause a shatter to your heart if it happens.

In the previous relationship, the person hit your heart badly, left you with bruises towards your feelings until you feel traumatized by it; in which caused you to have a hard decision to give a final say to the next guy that you actually like; which he even confessed to you that he like you  without ever realizing that you like him too in return.

Taking note from all these situation, did you know that you are just being selfish? You try to protect yourself from potential harm that perhaps would be your happy ending. The person that you like whom in time will develop to be a person that you love will pay for it.

When you say “No” to a guy due to all reason in the world; guys would take it as “Try next time” and what if he says that he will wait for you. The longer he waits for you,the stronger your feelings is going to be towards him but your keep him waiting; like a clown. Aren’t you making him suffer? Despite you told him to find someone else although you love him, he stays, he keep you company, he is there when you need someone to talk to. Can’t you see or are you blind?

Every person who live in this world have one similar right and it is they deserve a change. It’s either they are opt for it or someone has help them so.

In this matter, he deserve a chance and it is not right for you to denied them. Love is a risk and perhaps that is why you won’t take him in despite your heart already has.

Our life is full with risk; crossing the road for example and worst case scenario that we will hit by a vehicle; as so much love and break-up will not give any up to par to it.

If the risk happen, it will make us any stronger.

Don’t be afraid to love. Be brave to accept and to cater because from there you will appreciate someone better than the previous and best compare to your next.

If you let those differences becoming your barriers, one day he will walk away and there is no turning back.

It is better to regret now  if the relationship does not work out eventually; at least you’ve tried and giving him a chance he deserve; compare you regret it 5 years later for not doing it as you don’t know if it will bring you to a happy ending at that exact moment.

Love, give them a chance and cherish; as in return, you will be a fighter for your love.

Letting Go

There is a saying, “If you love the person, let them go. If they meant for you, they will come back but if they’re not, they never will" which resolve around giving up hope for the love one to come back in your arms.

But another saying stated otherwise, “An ex is just like a book that you has finished read. You already knew the ending so why you want to read it for the second time?”.

Therefore, it will eventually make us stumble upon two pathway. The first pathway reflects the hope that buried deep in our heart. No matter how much our ex break it, smash it into pieces; we keep on giving them chances because we love them much; too much till we don’t look back of their wrong doing to us because what we want right now, the only thing, at that moment…..is them.

Another pathway lead to keep us from looking backward and reminiscent the sweet moment which we have to leave behind. Despite they regretted on what they did to you, nothing that they do from the start they chasing you from the forest till the meet of the pathway; they’ll knee on the ground, looking at you moving forward while they at the other end crying. You cried too…..while walking along the path, the tears can’t stop itself from dripping at the end of your cheek but you walk, keep on walking, not looking back because if you do; they will see the tears and if they do, two things would happen.

It is either they will chase and grab you; and big chances are you’ll be on the first pathway; or walking away from you and deep in their heart they laugh because being able to put your tears turn to small droplets of glass and shatter when it reaches to the ground.

Each person in this world would want their relationship could last till their last breath; not a puppy love relationship but a relationship where deep in your heart whisper, “That’s the one…..whom able to make me smile just by listen to their voice, the person whom able to made me cry just by tiny mistake, the one whom reassured me that I’m good enough to be own by someone”.

And it is not just for couple whom are in a relationship but also referring when you confessed your true feeling towards that someone but got nothing in return. They just sitting there and said, “Owh….thank you.”. No action, no answer to your confession. Do they like you? Do they hate you? Do they still treat you the same? Those questions keep on playing in your mind.

It kept you waiting and keep on waiting until at one moment your heart said, “This is it. No more of painful waiting….. Come, lets move on.” and you too end up at the pathways.

We rather let fate to give us the answer where as it is us who suppose to made the decision ourselves.

But what we can do?

We are trapped between the pathways.

Changes

At one point of our life, we want to change; either from bad to good, from good to better; we want to make it happen as it urge us to see us to challenge and surprise ourselves.

We don’t do it in one go. Instead, we take it slowly, bit by bit; a process that we called transition. During the transition, it is the most crucial and fragile point a person could face because this is where they tend to take a step back from achieving their goal.

Not all step back are negative. Some people perhaps may be ready to take the leap of faith but if they are not entirely ready; compare to some people who would bow down to the pressure made by the society; it make themselves as a winner because they let themselves to made the decision for most made them a person in control.

Hence, they fulfill their intention of changes which is “to be someone better” and putting themselves as the person who are responsible in charge of their life despite how the society would depict their action.

Trust in self alongside with the support of love ones could shut all the mumbles because you believe in what you are believe in; the only differences is that in transition you will face choices and no matter which one you choose, it will not degrade you.

It will make you wiser because you have see the forthcoming future for both choices and each choices will make you a better person, a better self compare to those mumbles who never did anything.

Instead, you have proved that you are excellent compare to them, to your old self and to the choices itself.

Holding Hands–Its Significance

Holding hands might just be the cutest thing ever. It’s such an intimate gesture, yet innocent at the same time. When you feel their hand touching the palm of yours it’s like the entire world is at your fingertips at that moment.

And even better, the first time two people ever hold hands, is precious. When the person nudges at your hand and eventually slides their fingers interlocking with yours and you feel your cheeks getting warm, turning a shade of rosy pink and your heart pounding like drums.

When they grasp on so tight like it would be impossible to let you go. How their hand just seems to fit right into yours as if it was meant to be that way.

So beautiful and satisfying with a rush of different emotions. And just with the knowledge that your hands are linked together makes your hearts even fonder and you can literally feel how close you are to each other.

-Nopellw

Crush Heartbreak

We as human, we cannot stop ourselves from having a crush with a person and for any reason we don’t mind to let it linger in our mind; and inside our heart too.

Don’t lie when I said that even though you’re in a relationship, your feelings towards your crush still remain down there; deep in the heart, on the surface of the most bottoms. As you commit to your relationship, there would be one moment that you will think about them; dreaming the unreachable yet it’s dreamable. Thinking about them creates that warmth your heart, dilutes your mind to the sea of imaginary and ending up smiling for that one split second.

That is the power of crush; just having them in your mind could just make you feel alright; despite your partner has made you upset or when you’re lonely yet they are not there for you.

But it is a total different thing for a person who does have a crush but they themselves is still and remain, single. Hence, day by day, the person would dream about their crush; checking their Facebook profile, reading their tweets and took note on every single detail about them. And when the crush did something good to them; no matter how small and simple it is; it would totally made their day.

We always have that one imagination playing in my mind; having the crush being our love ones. Which afterwards, you would giggle in excitement; putting pillow on your face while turning your body left and right on the bed. It would be the most wonderful feeling if it would become true; no more that you want to ask from God except for the chance to be with them.

It is all fine until the crush have found someone else. Our heart sank, the dreams shattered and a jealousy sparks to that lucky person whom able to capture the crush’s heart. Yet, you smile to them, congratulate them and hope them for the best as deep inside; your heart has been smashed.

Perhaps it’s our fault for not making the move or for not to have it clear that we like them but at least, on the very least, we know that our crush is happy with the person they care, that they love.

And the most hurtful thing?

It is when we say to them; “I’ll be there for you, no matter what happen, I’ll be there for you” while inside we’re picking up the shattered pieces that would not be the same again.